I am going to die, one day whether it be today, tomorrow or sixty years down the line. I will die. This concept used to scare the hell out of me, I mean where do you go, what happens? Is that it, nothingness for eternity. I don't have religious beliefs. I don't believe in certain things, because the truth is, I don't really know. I don't know what will happen till I die. To believe I will return to earth in another capacity is just not possible. Because though it could possibley happen, I just think it's something to make me feel better. That it's a comforting hand on my shoulder, but I'm not filling myself with things that might not be true. Forget that. I'd rather face the harsh reality, that it is something i don't know, and face the fear that goes with that, and I have done. I've been scared with the thought of it, I have feared it, and now I have accepted it. I am not scared of death. I am not scared of dying. I know it's going to happen one day, and I accept it.
I am scared of losing people around me. Their deaths I haven't quite accepted just yet. I have only really dealt with the death of someone close to me once. My grandparents died when I was very young, so I didn't have to deal with that. When I was nine my cousin died. He was fourteen. Even at nine years old, I knew that was a huge waste of a life. He used to babysit me. I looked up to him quite a bit. He went to the beach with his Dad and brothers. It was the summer holidays. Someone had dug a big hole in the sand, and my cousin climbed in it, and dug some more. The hole started to collapse in on him, until it was impossible for him to get out. My uncle clawed at the sand with his hands. It was to late my cousin was dead. At his funeral the thing that was most upsetting looking back, was his school friends. He went to a catholic school, most of my family are pretty religious. They were all there in school uniform their whole lives in front of them, but that was it for him, over. Incredibley sad. My Uncle never dealt with the guilt, he disappeared. He died a few years later. He never returned to being the person he was before my cousin died. Upon finding out that my cousin was dead, his Mum, had a huge nervous breakdown. It took her a long time to recover. She did though, in her own way. She had another baby very soon after, and named him after my cousin. For some reason that always creeped me out. I was nine, so dealing with it wasn't really a huge thing. One day he was there, and one day he wasn't. I missed him at first, but life went on, for me at least.
I think now about how I would deal with the death of someone I loved. I don't honestly know, I don't think I would handle it very well. I'm not good at showing emotion at the best of times. How is it I can accept my death, but not the death of those I love? I would be angry they were taken away from me. Heartbroken at all the things I hadn't said to them. I'd cry where no one could see me. How do you cope when your world is built around someone, and then they are cruely taken away from you? My Auntie didn't really mourn my Uncle when he died. She'd done it along time before. His spirit died with my cousin. She knew where it was heading. Is it easier when you're prepared for it? So you don't have that shock? Or is it worse just waiting for it to happen. Feeling helpless, wishing you could do something to help. At least you can say all the things you want to. Make peace. I think about what would happen if my sister died. We don't speak anymore, and if she went, with me feeling like this towards her, the guilt would eat me up. Is that good enough reason to make peace with her, or is it just selfish? I say I don't want her in my life, but I like to have the choice. For her to be just taken away from me, would break my heart. Just like it would for anyone I loved.
At times like that I'm sure having beliefs really helps. As long as it doesn't make you question them, the beliefs should make you strong. Should give you reason and hope. I always think that, that religion must be such a strong attribute to have. Not for me, to take on religion like that would be like marrying a man I didn't love. Getting all the securities, but not giving myself fully to it, not fully trusting it. I would feel like I was cheating. Looking for an easy way out. Looking for some hope, but not really believing it. I couldn't do that. Maybe I shouldn't compare religion to a marriage. I just think it's something you give yourself totally too. Total commitment. I have great respect for people that do. That their beliefs are that strong. Mine aren't though. I believe in myself. I believe I have guidance. Of course. I just don't know what that is. Maybe one day I will find out. Who knows what will happen. I know we can't live our lives scared of death. Because it will catch us sooner or later. We just need to embrace it with no regrets.