"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood."
Published on August 4, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships
I'm starting this article, and already considering deleting it. That can't be good huh? I like to protect myself you see. My feelings, my emotions. So I build these barriers, these barriers where I don't give my full self away, I give most of it, but I keep a little bit for myself. You know, just in case. Hurt is a pain in the ass. I'm in a strange mood tonight. I know I shouldn't be writing this blog. I know I shouldn't be...but I can't seem to stop. There are things bothering me, and I need to share them. I need to get them off my chest, as things like this just tend to eat you up, and then what are you left with? Just remember, strange mood! Though it is probably going to leave me very honest. What is this all about I hear you cry? It's about a boy.....

You see I'm very stubborn, pig headed, set in my ways. I refuse to be defined by a relationship, by the boyfriend I should have, like the designer shoes I should purchase. I am not that girl. I refuse to be that girl. I won't have a man for the sake of it. I want love, I want companionship, I want all the nice things. I do. I don't think I'll get them, and I have had to do damage control for that obviously. Protecting my feelings again. I have almost managed to convince myself that romance is an unobtainable waste of time, that I will be better off without. Almost. Not quite. I'm sure a part of me will believe. No matter how hard I try an train myself, I can't help having romantic notions. Especially for other people. Oh the love lives of other people, how beautiful they can be. I see myself as always the bridesmaid never the bride. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be married, at all! Not for many, many, many years to come, at least! I just don't see myself letting anyone that close. I can't see it happening. I really can't.

I like a boy. I'm going to keep this as simple as possible. Just because it is so complicated in my head, so the simple thing is. I like a boy. I've wrote many blogs about relationships. Probably far to many. About games, and love, and cheating. This boy does something to me though. That makes all my rational, sensible thoughts just leave me. He does things to me that I didn't think were possible. He's lovely. Sounds dumb huh? I can't help it. It's that simple. He's my friend. A good friend. I trust him. I don't say that lightly either. It's taken time, alot of time. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. I just want to keep repeating, I like the boy, but it isn't that simple. When are things this ever that simple.

For a start, the boy is taken, off the market. Some lucky lass already got him. So that should be just my feelings turned off right? Could someone please point me in the right direction of that switch? I didn't intend on having feelings for him. He's my friend, a friend, just a friend, but somehow that bond became much more. Oh so much more, it shouldn't of. I know. After all the things I have wrote on cheating and stuff, and I find myself in this situation. I should see there is no other way. He will always have this lady in his life. It isn't going anywhere. I feel so bad about this. For having these feelings for him. I shouldn't. I know.

What are his feelings for me? I'm his friend. How many times have I said that? Who is it I try to convince, you or me? If I'm upset, if I'm hurt, If I'm happy, If I'm excited, I tell him, and he will be there for me, like friends do? We have this connection though, I feel it with him. I know I infuriate the hell out of him, as he does me. There is something there though, He is one of the few people I can say anything to with no fear. No fear of being judged, no fear of anything, because to me I am simply me. Recently our friendship has become strained, maybe these feeling are just getting in the way of that, I don't know, but they have made me question him as a person. Deep down I trust him, but i can't help these doubts that fill my head sometimes. Am I just something that passes the time for him, like you're sat watching tv, and you're watching this film that you're really into, but it's really heavy going, and you flick the channel for a second, to a comedy or something, for some light relief. Is that what I am? I don't know what I am, and I don't want to stop liking this boy.

I'm sorry for this ramble, I'm just trying to get things straight in my head. So far two things are straight. I like the boy, and he is my friend.....

Comments (Page 1)
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on Aug 04, 2004
Life is strange like that some times. The best advice I can give is to follow your heart.

On Angel's Wings
RFeathers
on Aug 05, 2004
Who is this boy? I'll kill him!
on Aug 05, 2004
Sometimes it is hard to differentiate the love you feel for someone between platonic love and physically motivated kind of love. It makes it even harder if you usually have a tough time in expressing your true feeling to others like you have mentioned. I have been in the same boat before. It just took me a while to honestly analyse what I was feeling.

If you know that he is always going to be taken by this other lass and you can't figure out why you still like him so much, maybe you just like the type of person he is? Is that the kind of person you have always been looking for? The kind of person you would feel comfortable settling down with? It may not be healthy having someone that your next parter has to measure up to or compare with, but this could be a reason you like him so much?

I know for me, if I meet a person that ticks off a lot of check-boxes on my list of 'awesome things to have if you ever want to be a long-term relationship contender', it's very hard not to like them a lot. Even if they don't reciprocate the same feelings.

Just my ideas... take them as you will... I hope you understand what i'm trying to say.

It's so hard to find nice boys and nice girls these days...
on Aug 05, 2004
Sally,

Welcome to yourself. In your romantacism you will always find suffering instead of love, loss instead of gain. Romanticism is always a desire for sorrow and grief, love (and more so of true love) is death's companion, cupid and the reaper are well aquainted. Romantiscism is the well spring of poetry and art and the movements in music that move, that tremble the soul, it is the thing that makes us the angels that have fallen rather than those that remain.

If you want happiness become the simple woman who wants little and expects nothing. You want love and you want the path of fire that leads you to it. We always burn away to nothing before reaching the object of our desire.

Sorry about the melancholic ramble.

Marco XX
on Aug 05, 2004
I'd try and give some advice right now but I don't think my mind could think up anything intelligable to say.... so how about a *hug* and uhm... a promise to someday make some potato salad... sound good?

on Aug 05, 2004
Who is this boy? I'll kill him!


I aready said who he was, he's my friend. Simple, huh?

Romeo, I've adopted you (don't be scared) but we are currently 'adopting new bloggers' and I have picked you! Hope you don't mind, hehe....thankyou for the advice!

Is that the kind of person you have always been looking for? The kind of person you would feel comfortable settling down with?


I think that is going a little to far, I will say that I don't think I will ever meet anyone like him again. Does that sound drama queenish? I don't know...but I really think he's that special, that no one would win me over like he has.

if I meet a person that ticks off a lot of check-boxes on my list of 'awesome things to have if you ever want to be a long-term relationship contender', it's very hard not to like them a lot.


I don't come across many people like that, at all. I am very fussy in what I like, and it takes alot to win my trust over. I do realise what you're trying to say though, and I will try and keep my head screwed on, and be sensible about things.

Marco, why do you always find something so beautiful to write?

Romantiscism is the well spring of poetry and art and the movements in music that move, that tremble the soul, it is the thing that makes us the angels that have fallen rather than those that remain.


Wow Marco! Just wow!

If you want happiness become the simple woman who wants little and expects nothing.


I'm trying to be that woman, but that path of desire sure is burning. Marco it is never a ramble, and always a pleasure. Thanks.

so how about a *hug* and uhm... a promise to someday make some potato salad... sound good?


Sounds ace hunny *hugz* I'm going to hold you to that potato salad!

Thanks for all the support guys, you are all lovely!
on Aug 05, 2004
The best advice I can give is to follow your heart.


Sorry Razor, my response to you seems to have been cut out! Grrr, I'm pc retarded! Anyway, I will always follow my heart. I'm sure sometimes it will lead me into trouble, and heartache, but I trust it more than anything. My heart rules my head, and I wouldn't have it any other way! Thanks for coming over, and I'm sorry this ramble was your first impression of me!
on Aug 05, 2004
Sally, it's not worth getting so mixed up over a bloke. Relax and don't worry about it. Have you ever heard anyone say, "If I was a millionaire, then I would be happy". That attitude is only held by people who aren't millionaires. I think it's the same with 'romance'. Snap out of it and relax. What will be will be. You have nothing to worry about.
on Aug 05, 2004
What will be will be


Ahh you said the magic words Andy! I do have to just chill out and relax. I know this. Romance happens when you least expect it huh! Thanks for reading, and as always for the words of wisdom? I'm off to check if you've wrote a blog yet....
on Aug 05, 2004

I'm off to check if you've wrote a blog yet


well I've just written a post about me paying for prostitutes, so I trust you can take the rough with the smooth hun!
on Aug 05, 2004
well I've just written a post about me paying for prostitutes, so I trust you can take the rough with the smooth hun!


Ahhh I certainly can! As long as you can take a little friendly debate . Still disappointed you haven't created a blog site!
on Aug 06, 2004

Thanks Sally babe. I'll reply in the other post when I get time. I haven't had chance yet.

Catch you later.

Andy
on Aug 06, 2004
Hey Sally I want to hear more about this awesome stud that has captivated you!

Man those times are awesome huh? When you like someone, and your locked up in all these problems (ie how he has a gf) and you wish you never see them again, but secretly you pray you do. you know what I mean?
on Aug 07, 2004
Hey Sally I want to hear more about this awesome stud that has captivated you!


Hehe, I know exactly what you mean. Love is a powerful thing. i think I've just told you about this awesome dude, hehe!
on Aug 07, 2004
hehe yes I did learn some things about this "boy"

I still think you should follow my advice go up to the lucky fella and be like, "hey sexy, you know you want this!" and seductive as hell, and then watch Sally, within 2 days he'll be yours and then you can go to the his ex gf and be like

"Yea I got your man, what you gonna do bizatch!??" and be all tough and sexy!!!
hehe
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