I'm starting this article, and already considering deleting it. That can't be good huh? I like to protect myself you see. My feelings, my emotions. So I build these barriers, these barriers where I don't give my full self away, I give most of it, but I keep a little bit for myself. You know, just in case. Hurt is a pain in the ass. I'm in a strange mood tonight. I know I shouldn't be writing this blog. I know I shouldn't be...but I can't seem to stop. There are things bothering me, and I need to share them. I need to get them off my chest, as things like this just tend to eat you up, and then what are you left with? Just remember, strange mood! Though it is probably going to leave me very honest. What is this all about I hear you cry? It's about a boy.....
You see I'm very stubborn, pig headed, set in my ways. I refuse to be defined by a relationship, by the boyfriend I should have, like the designer shoes I should purchase. I am not that girl. I refuse to be that girl. I won't have a man for the sake of it. I want love, I want companionship, I want all the nice things. I do. I don't think I'll get them, and I have had to do damage control for that obviously. Protecting my feelings again. I have almost managed to convince myself that romance is an unobtainable waste of time, that I will be better off without. Almost. Not quite. I'm sure a part of me will believe. No matter how hard I try an train myself, I can't help having romantic notions. Especially for other people. Oh the love lives of other people, how beautiful they can be. I see myself as always the bridesmaid never the bride. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be married, at all! Not for many, many, many years to come, at least! I just don't see myself letting anyone that close. I can't see it happening. I really can't.
I like a boy. I'm going to keep this as simple as possible. Just because it is so complicated in my head, so the simple thing is. I like a boy. I've wrote many blogs about relationships. Probably far to many. About games, and love, and cheating. This boy does something to me though. That makes all my rational, sensible thoughts just leave me. He does things to me that I didn't think were possible. He's lovely. Sounds dumb huh? I can't help it. It's that simple. He's my friend. A good friend. I trust him. I don't say that lightly either. It's taken time, alot of time. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. I just want to keep repeating, I like the boy, but it isn't that simple. When are things this ever that simple.
For a start, the boy is taken, off the market. Some lucky lass already got him. So that should be just my feelings turned off right? Could someone please point me in the right direction of that switch? I didn't intend on having feelings for him. He's my friend, a friend, just a friend, but somehow that bond became much more. Oh so much more, it shouldn't of. I know. After all the things I have wrote on cheating and stuff, and I find myself in this situation. I should see there is no other way. He will always have this lady in his life. It isn't going anywhere. I feel so bad about this. For having these feelings for him. I shouldn't. I know.
What are his feelings for me? I'm his friend. How many times have I said that? Who is it I try to convince, you or me? If I'm upset, if I'm hurt, If I'm happy, If I'm excited, I tell him, and he will be there for me, like friends do? We have this connection though, I feel it with him. I know I infuriate the hell out of him, as he does me. There is something there though, He is one of the few people I can say anything to with no fear. No fear of being judged, no fear of anything, because to me I am simply me. Recently our friendship has become strained, maybe these feeling are just getting in the way of that, I don't know, but they have made me question him as a person. Deep down I trust him, but i can't help these doubts that fill my head sometimes. Am I just something that passes the time for him, like you're sat watching tv, and you're watching this film that you're really into, but it's really heavy going, and you flick the channel for a second, to a comedy or something, for some light relief. Is that what I am? I don't know what I am, and I don't want to stop liking this boy.
I'm sorry for this ramble, I'm just trying to get things straight in my head. So far two things are straight. I like the boy, and he is my friend.....