To love or not to love?

That is the question

Published on May 26, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships

I am a self confessed cynical soul. I know this, I'm even ok with it. My philosophy on life, well one of, is, expect the worse and hope for the best. Why set yourself up for a fall? What's the point?. If you don't have expectations you can't lose. This is kind of my old way of thinking. I never believed in love. I told myself repeatedly it didn't exist, it wasn't real. With good reason, how can you believe in something like that, if you never felt it? It's just to good to be true, surely. To meet someone, who means so much to you. Who feels the same about you. Two people who meet by chance. A chain of events lead to these two people meeting. Lead to them falling in love. To feel so intensely. How does that happen? I didn't believe it. In my mind it was just to good to be true. So if I didn't think it was possible, how did I explain all these people that claimed to be in love? That's easy, they were all fools. They just wanted to believe it. They tricked themselves into believing it. They wanted to so much, that they thought this person was their soulmate that they were madly in love. I thought it was mind manipulation. It was a way of one person exercising power over another. They had this person where they wanted them. They held their heart in their hands. They could easily just throw it on the floor and stamp on it repeatedly without a second thought. Love is a nice idea, but to nice to be real.

I thought like this for a while. I think I saw myself as some kind of ice queen. I liked that image. I liked to be seen as cold and unable to be hurt. Because I WAS easy to hurt, but by pretending I wasn't, I had a front to hide behind. A defence mechanism, and by not believing in love, it wasn't possible to get hurt. So there was the me that I let the rest of the world see and then there was the real me. The me that's similar to most other girlies out there. That watched Bridget Jones diary and felt for her every step of the way. The me that cried when the girl got the guy. The me that wished i had someone to curl up with at night, and feel safe and loved in their arms. I started to realise I wanted that. I still wasn't ready to embrace the harsh reality that I was a full blown romantic, but i was starting to realise I was even trying to kid myself to.

I still kept my mask on though. I couldn't care less persona. People couldn't hurt me, words couldn't hurt me. I wouldn't let them. I wouldn't be that feeble, that I'd let other peoples opinions hurt me. They did though. I don't craved to be liked. Popularity is far from my mind. I don't want to be popular, a few close trusted friends is all I need. I just don't want to be disliked. Things do hurt me. I am sensitive. I can take critism, I can have a debate, I can be disliked, I'm just not as Icey as I like to make out to be. So it wasn't that I didn't believe in love, it was I was to scared to love. To scared to to trust someone. To scared to be hurt. To scared to fail.

So what happened to this scared ice queen? She realised that living a lie, was not really living at all. Being scared was not living at all. Hiding your feelings can only last so long, as can keeping a mask on to the world. Soon the real you will come through. It's nice to let people see the real me. I may be leaving myself open to be hurt, but if I don't have the bad times, how will I appreciate the good? I want to love. I do love. Maybe I'm just another one of them fools, but so what? I'm alot happier than I was then. I'm a happy fool. So what changed this girl? Kermit changed her

Comments (Page 1)

JeremyG

on May 26, 2004

"Love is merely the exchange of two illusions and the contact of two skins."
-Chamfort

new-age nomad

on May 26, 2004

"I act like shit don't phase me, inside it drives me crazy, these insecurties could eat me alive."

~Eminem

Sally jacobs

on May 26, 2004

Two such different quotes, yet both so true. Thank you! Love is merely the exchange of two illusions, I like that, kind of sums up what I was saying, but so much better than I ever could!

kermit

on May 26, 2004

You still love a man who's hung like a thumb?

Sally jacobs

on May 26, 2004

It's all about your left ball baby

kermit

on May 26, 2004

lol

huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge

imajinit

on May 26, 2004

"what happened to miss independent?"

DylanZimmerman

on May 27, 2004

How's u? It's about 6 am and I'm using the crappiest laptop we rented at this hotel (did u know u can do that?)Don't have time to write a blog *sigh!* as we're about to leave for St Louis, but I read ur article and was very touched by what you wrote! I can totally relate, as I've done exactly the same thing for almost my whole life. Have started to open up much more over the past 2 or 3 years though, and no need to give up your romantic notions as hehe(sorry I'm sooo happy i had to tell someone, and if i cant blog..)Holden kissed me, and (well, let's fade to black after that..) woohoo! Anyway..so I guess we're like..yeah yknow. Will write sickeningly detailed blog later I am sure...Anyway, Bridget Jones is an excellent movie, I related to it quite a lot too, although apparently the sequal is shit!

Making v. good time on road, should be in ST Louis by the weekend (in Illinois now, Springfield like the simpsons..cool!). Will write a blog v soon hopefully. Anyways, thanks so much for this article! I wouldnt be where I am with Holden now if it wasnt for the romantic in you Sal!!Thanks so much for that!!

Gotta go sweedie, be happy, lots of love Dyl xxx

gothic impulse

on May 27, 2004

Great article Sally.

Life without love would be pretty sad,

Even when it hurts, it just means that the right person is still out there ...you just have to find each other.

I tried the love doesn't exist road for a while ....I'm glad i came to my senses, and I'm glad you did too.

Jess

Sally jacobs

on May 27, 2004

'Miss independent, Miss self-sufficient, Miss keep your distance, Miss out of my way, Miss don't let a man interfere, no, Miss don't let a man interfere, no, Miss almost grown, Miss never let a man help her off her throne'

Ahhhh, all so true!

Jess, you're right, love can be pretty bad, but what's the alternative? I think in the long term that would be even worse. I'm glad you didn't stay on that path either, no matter how safe it felt

Thanks for all the comments!

Kermit

on May 27, 2004

*Burp*

wow... love must really be blind (deaf and dumb)

*fart*

oops

Sally jacobs

on May 27, 2004

You really are a pig! One day you'll surprise me and actually leave a nice msg for me....hmm!

Floozie

on May 27, 2004

I think I'm still the girl at the start of your story. Well, not quite as I can reocognise the other parts too... Great blog! Thanks for sharing

WiseFawn

on May 27, 2004

This a wonderful blog. I used to hide behind psychology. I said that love is actually just ways people have of filling up their minds so they don't have to think about what's really bothering them. I, too, was scared to death to be hurt. I'm glad you're taking the chance! I'm glad you've chosen love and life.

Sally jacobs

on May 27, 2004

Thank you for your comment wisefawn, I'm amazed at how many people thought like this to. I guess it is all about psychology and how you make yourself think, and it's all about a defence to stop you getting hurt. What's life if you don't take chances? I hope you are doing the same!

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