To love or not to love?

That is the question

Published on May 26, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships

I am a self confessed cynical soul. I know this, I'm even ok with it. My philosophy on life, well one of, is, expect the worse and hope for the best. Why set yourself up for a fall? What's the point?. If you don't have expectations you can't lose. This is kind of my old way of thinking. I never believed in love. I told myself repeatedly it didn't exist, it wasn't real. With good reason, how can you believe in something like that, if you never felt it? It's just to good to be true, surely. To meet someone, who means so much to you. Who feels the same about you. Two people who meet by chance. A chain of events lead to these two people meeting. Lead to them falling in love. To feel so intensely. How does that happen? I didn't believe it. In my mind it was just to good to be true. So if I didn't think it was possible, how did I explain all these people that claimed to be in love? That's easy, they were all fools. They just wanted to believe it. They tricked themselves into believing it. They wanted to so much, that they thought this person was their soulmate that they were madly in love. I thought it was mind manipulation. It was a way of one person exercising power over another. They had this person where they wanted them. They held their heart in their hands. They could easily just throw it on the floor and stamp on it repeatedly without a second thought. Love is a nice idea, but to nice to be real.

I thought like this for a while. I think I saw myself as some kind of ice queen. I liked that image. I liked to be seen as cold and unable to be hurt. Because I WAS easy to hurt, but by pretending I wasn't, I had a front to hide behind. A defence mechanism, and by not believing in love, it wasn't possible to get hurt. So there was the me that I let the rest of the world see and then there was the real me. The me that's similar to most other girlies out there. That watched Bridget Jones diary and felt for her every step of the way. The me that cried when the girl got the guy. The me that wished i had someone to curl up with at night, and feel safe and loved in their arms. I started to realise I wanted that. I still wasn't ready to embrace the harsh reality that I was a full blown romantic, but i was starting to realise I was even trying to kid myself to.

I still kept my mask on though. I couldn't care less persona. People couldn't hurt me, words couldn't hurt me. I wouldn't let them. I wouldn't be that feeble, that I'd let other peoples opinions hurt me. They did though. I don't craved to be liked. Popularity is far from my mind. I don't want to be popular, a few close trusted friends is all I need. I just don't want to be disliked. Things do hurt me. I am sensitive. I can take critism, I can have a debate, I can be disliked, I'm just not as Icey as I like to make out to be. So it wasn't that I didn't believe in love, it was I was to scared to love. To scared to to trust someone. To scared to be hurt. To scared to fail.

So what happened to this scared ice queen? She realised that living a lie, was not really living at all. Being scared was not living at all. Hiding your feelings can only last so long, as can keeping a mask on to the world. Soon the real you will come through. It's nice to let people see the real me. I may be leaving myself open to be hurt, but if I don't have the bad times, how will I appreciate the good? I want to love. I do love. Maybe I'm just another one of them fools, but so what? I'm alot happier than I was then. I'm a happy fool. So what changed this girl? Kermit changed her

Comments (Page 2)

Kermit's younger sister

on May 27, 2004

kermit, come to bed with me

DylanZimmerman

on May 29, 2004

hey Sally, thanks for your comment and for not forgetting about me!I think i've been quite good with updates so far, all things considered...but no new article for me to read? ;-( sucks!! I was looking forward to somethin new...well, leave me a comment with the latest anyway huh? At least!! gotta go, but hope ur good, I wrote about Holden so i hope it answers ur questions

see ya later!
love Dylxxx

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