Well today for a change I have lots to say, wow I've really just set myself up for a fall there haven't I! I'll finish this sentence, and be like was that really it?? Hehe....so my mood today, hmmm, how to sum it up...Blah is a good word....I like it, blah! Shout it loud, it will make you feel better I promise. I'm in a funny mood today, but I wonder if you feel like this most days, is it really funny? Or is that just how I generally am, a little funny? Don't feel you have to answer that! So tonight I am meeting up with an ex boyfriend. The key word in that sentence is ex. He phoned up at the beginning of the week, wanting to meet up, and have a drink, and whatever. Have to say wasn't really feeling to enthusiastic about it. So I told him I was going out with my friends tonight. He sounded disappointed, but he took it like a man. Then I phoned my best friend, as you do. She is a little minx. She is convinced he is the one that got away. She told me to meet him. To save earache, I told him he was more than welcome to come out with me and my friends. Which makes the situation a whole lot easier. You see I know there are going to be them awkward moments where we both don't know what to say, but at least if I have mouth of the south with me, I will be saved. We will both expect to slip into that easy conversation, but it won't happen. We've both changed. I knew him when I was eighteen. Alot changes. I've met different people. I have things to compare him too. I really don't want to do this, and the messed up thing is that this has just made me think of other people that I would prefer it to be. Blah!
When I was with this guy I thought he was ace. Thinking back I can't for the life of me figure out why. It's funny how people change. We got on well, and everything was so new and exciting with him. It wasn't love. He loved me, but I didn't love me. Maybe he didn't love me, but he said he did, and he was messed up for a bit when we split up, so I'm guessing he felt something for me. I did for him too. Definetly wasn't love, and I never ever told him I loved him. I think he saw me as a bit of a challenge. He wasn't the man to challenge me. I liked him. He was a nice guy. Maybe that was the problem, he was nice. I don't do well with nice, I just take advantage of it, and get bored of it. I know before you say it, another messed up thing about women. Why do we go for the men that treat us like crap. Why do we do it to ourselves. Is it because we also like a challenge too. That we think we are capable of breaking them when in reality we aren't. You know I'm sat here thinking about good points of this bloke....good things about him...good times with him....and I can't think of any. Just that he was a nice bloke. My best friend thinks he was lovely, and that I was awful to get rid of him. I did say she was more than welcome to go there, but for some reason she didn't want too.....strange that. Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe I need to stop being so negative. Blah!
You know what the problem is don't you? I know you do. Now I have someone to compare him too. Someone to measure him upto. I am going to sit there tonight, and say something hilarious, and I'll laugh, and I know you would laugh too, and he will just look at me blankly, like I am an ape from another planet. Or I will notice something, and I will look at him hoping he will have noticed it too, so we can share a secret smile, but he won't of, and I'll just be left sat there, thinking of you. You see in that way you have kind of messed up my life. Is anyone ever going to measure upto you. Am I ever going to meet a guy that makes me forget about you. You know I don't think that is going to happen, so where does that leave me? Loving you forever? Feeling like something is missing forever? Maybe I don't want anyone else if they aren't better than you. Even if I don't think better than you exists I'm not willing to settle for anything less. Blah!
This ex boyfriend sent me a picture, he looks loads better than when I went out with him. He's really buffed up, I bet he can clench his butt cheeks really well too. That doesn't matter though, because mentally they have to be there. They have to hit that spot, and not many people do, well no one does. Some are close, and some nearly make it, but the whole personality thing is so important. There are millions and millions of blokes in the world that I think are sexy, or that are nice looking or whatever, however, if I want their personalities to make me go "wow" it would be a different story. I am difficult to please in that way. It takes alot to get my interest, and even if you do that, it takes alot more to keep it. I feel funny about you at the moment, really funny, and I don't really know why. Well I do. That's another story hey. You know the most messed up thing about all this......I feel like I'm cheating on you. How messed up is that, maybe I need you to be really harsh with me, and I say you're not interested, you never will be, and make me hate you a little bit. Hmmm. That would suck though. Big time. Blah!