"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood."
Published on September 28, 2005 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships
I like the rain. Most people like the sun. There's something about the rain. I don't know what it is. Today was a truely miserable day. Grey and rainy outside. I didn't like the rain today. Today the rain covered me in a blanket of loneliness that I just can't shake off. It's like it's suffocating me, and I don't know what to do about it. You see feeling lonely isn't a normal feeling for me. I don't get lonely. When I want to be around people I am. When I don't, I'm not. More often than not I am escaping people, rather than fighting to be with them. This isn't the kind of loneliness where I want to be around people though. I don't. I am. It doesn't change that feeling. As I'm sat here writing this blog I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it isn't loneliness. Maybe it's something else. It feels like loneliness though. Apparently it's nice to have someone when it's raining. To curl up with. To have and to hold, and all that stuff. I don't even want someone. I'd rather have nobody, than just somebody. Maybe I do want someone, I just don't need them. I know alot of people that can't handle loneliness. That they like to be surrounded by alot of people, they like to have a partner that is just somebody. A body. Someone that is there. To avoid this feeling maybe? To avoid these questions? Sometimes being surrounded by alot of people are the loneliest times of them all. Isn't that the worst feeling of all? Because still no one understands. Lots of nobodies around you. Making the right noises. You make the right noises too. Just because it sounds right, looks right, doesn't mean it is right.

People can be great and people can be awful. That is the wonderful thing about people, you just never know. Even the people you know the best have the ability to shock you. To surprise you. To get some kind of emotion out of you. People take effort though. Friendships, relationships, interaction with people it always takes effort. When you first meet someone, the effort is exciting, different. You play the games, you get to know them, see what makes them tick, and if you get to know them, and more importantly like them, the effort becomes effortless. The longer this process goes on, the less effort you actually put in. Even the longest friendships need a bit of effort though. Or they become pointless. You end up as that person, that's lonely. Swimming in a sea of people, but drowning in a puddle of loneliness. Some friendships feel like no effort but you put n the effort for that feeling of no effort. If you understood that you are a better person than me, hehe. There is no better feeling in the world than spending time with someone, that is easy. When I say easy, I mean that the time you spend together doesn't take work you just spend time together, enjoy each others company, and the rest comes. That's just good groundwork. That's just finding the right person. You can count the people you find like that on one hand, and even if you can do that, you are very lucky.

Even my best friend takes effort. I love her to bits. I can rely on her when I need her, and she can for me. I went to school with her, she knows everything there is to know about me, and I do her. She still takes work though. I think it's because we are so different. She is just my complete opposite. They say opposites attract, because they compliment each other, which is true to an extent. We still clash though, at times she doesn't 'get' me, and I don't 'get' her at times. I suppose I'm the geeky thinker, and she's the friendly party animal, lol that makes me sound good. There are alot of occasions where she just doesn't see my point of view though. Like she didn't vote in the election, and for the life of me I couldn't figure it out. Just the same way she couldn't figure out why I had voted. "You can't change the world can you". Not if you don't exercise your right to vote you can't, no. That's just an example of many things we don't agree on. Yet I adore her. When I went on holiday she was the person I missed the most. When I'm upset she's the person I phone. When she's upset, I want to do whatever it takes to make her happy. It's the whole effort thing again. She is worth the effort. Because I have known her so long, it doesn't take constant effort. Just an injection every now and then.

I have someone else in my life. Another best friend. This is the kind that doesn't take any effort. They do. They have. They aren't easy. The time I spend with them is effortless though. It's just easy. I think that's because we are more alike. Our thought processes are the same. We always end up in the same place. We see things and think the same things. I think they made me sad today. I don't know though. Maybe they didn't. They did something to me today and I'm not quite sure what it's done to me. I think they are the reason for that feeling in my stomach. That loneliness. That isn't loneliness. Because in so many ways they are my friend, but in so many ways they aren't. I guess I feel like our friendship has a timespan. Like I feel they are this perfect person, that I consider a really good friend, but their search for perfection continues. That one day they just won't need me. Not that they need me now. Far from it, they choose to have me as a friend. Just as I choose them. They are the kind of person that goes in cycles though. One day they think I'm great, the next they don't. Maybe we are all like that. Because we always end up in the same place. These things have ups and downs. It's all about being a friend. So if they are my friend, why do they make me feel so lonely?

Comments
on Sep 29, 2005
Maybe you need to get another friend. People have mood swings where one minute they're on top of the world, the next they're down and out, that's the norm. However, if it's too intense in one or the other moods or if it happens too often, then they need to seek professional help.

You shouldn't let the way others feel affect you or make you feel as if you're not worth it. That's what I'm picking up from reading your blog. If this is how this person continues to make you feel, then that friendship is not worth it.

Some friendship are hard to maintain, that's true. If it is then it's time to call it quits. It takes two people to participate in a friendship. It can't be one-sided. I've been there before so I understand how you feel.

It's also good to be able to be alone with your thoughts and find something that will renew your spirits. It gives you a chance to catch up on things you might have been putting off and to just "let your hair down".

My mom used to tell me you're always lucky if you can count at least two people as your friend because you don't need a lot of people around you to feel special. She was right. Only you can tell which friendship is good for you or not and only you can make yourself happy.
on Sep 30, 2005
You shouldn't let the way others feel affect you or make you feel as if you're not worth it.


I think this is my whole problem, that I think too much about things, and I blow them out of all proportion....it's like I create drama.

My mom used to tell me you're always lucky if you can count at least two people as your friend because you don't need a lot of people around you to feel special.


I couldn't agree more with that. I really don't need alot of people.

Thanks for your comment, and I will consider everything you've said, thanks again
on Sep 30, 2005
I need professional help HAHAHA!!!!
LMAO!
on Sep 30, 2005
It's been difficult for me coming to terms with the understanding that people, friends, do come and go in life. Not always because of a past altercation, but just plain moving on. I struggle with loneliness on occasion.
Just keep on, keeping on.

Nic.
on Sep 30, 2005
Thanks for the words of support Nic, it means alot x
on Sep 30, 2005
When I get lonely, I pull one out.

You know? Keep myself CUMpany.

HAHAHA I NEED HELP!!!WOOOOOT!

Sally likes ME!!! Im a fruitcake!