I haven't blogged in a good while. I can't say I've really missed it that much. It's funny how we move on from things isn't it. Things can take you over, until you become obsessed with them, and then just like that it stops. You don't need it anymore. It isn't that simple though, because I believe things touch your life for a reason. I can return to writing a blog, I can feel the same that I did before, yet it doesn't hold the exact same feeling. It's difficult to explain. You can lose things, and then get them back, just in a different way. Maybe it's to do with growing up, and as you grow your needs change. So you are the same person, but different. That's how I feel about many things at the moment. They are the same, but different. I am not a person that likes change much. I sometimes worry I'm an old woman in a young persons body. I get so set in my ways. I like routine. Maybe because that is the one thing that my life is lacking, I try and get it in ridiculous ways. In theory, I could do with my life what I want, yet I seem to just like to keep to the same routine. Many people my age thrive on adventure, and difference, they go and search for it. Yet I fight so hard to keep things the same, and maybe that's what's stopped me from seeing things properly. An change to my routine can really bother me, maybe because I'm slightly obsessive, I don't know. Anyway, a long way of saying, I've missed this.
The Pope died. I am by no means religious, quite opposed in fact. I do have respect for different religions though, whatever floats your boat in my opinion, and it is all very sad. Death doesn't really scare me. To live your life scared of death is a waste. Because it's going to happen no matter what. You just have to accept it and get on with living. I sometimes wonder what happens after. Pointless though. I am trying to give up worrying. It's some kind of silly resolution of mine. Worrying is a pointless activity, that helps with nothing. I used to think it made me feel better. Like if I give it sufficient thinking time, that somehow that will make everything alright, and I will have covered every base, and the thing I was worrying about will somehow disappear. Which is normally the case. I'm still not 100 percent, that's not down to me giving it thinking time, and not the fact it was just nothing in the beginning. I am trying to be a little more laid back though. The majority of people I know are really laid back, and then there's me, little Miss will get her knickers in a twist about the slightest thing. I've noticed it more and more. I tell you I'm hitting middle age, but that's another story.
Looking back at old blogs they were really dominated by a certain boy, probably because he dominated my thoughts so much. When things went badly with him, I promised myself he wouldn't grace the pages of my blog again, and if he did, it would be only for me to say that I was wrong about him. That he wasn't the person I thought he was, that I got him wrong, That my feelings for him were fake. That I was better off without him. I don't feel how I used to about him. As I said earlier, it's the same, but different. It's nice too. I never got him wrong, he was always the person I thought he was. I was never blinded by my feelings. For a long time I thought I was. He always said I never really felt that way about him, it was more the idea of him. He was wrong I think. Me and him have the strangest of friendships, I don't think I have come across anyone in my life before like him. He knows me so well. Yet he doesn't know me at all. I know he will know what I mean by that. It's like I am an open book to him, yet he hasn't read the last page yet. Ha...I'm explaining myself so well. I thought me and him by now would have gone are separate ways completely. That he would no longer be a part of my life, and I would look back on him with fondness but with a little relief, that I was out of such an unhealthy situation. Yet I don't. I miss him, and he's still my best friend. After everything, he's still my friend, I think that's special. I still trust him, and I know he still cares. It's nice.
I've kept a diary since I was about thirteen. Everynight I wrote in it. Some days I have nothing to say, and others I can't stop myself. I read some entries about Kermit. It's funny how our memory chooses what to remember and what needs blocking out isn't it. There was about a period of a month, where everydays entry started with, Kermit really annoyed me today......hehe how come I don't remember him being so annoying? You're not annoying are you? I like reading over my diary, it gives me some perspective, it's insane the things I think, and how I view things. Some things I wouldn't dare tell anyone. Except Kermit, only because he is as strange as me though, and I know he gets it. Even if he does think I'm a nutter sometimes. I don't regret anything with him, I'm glad he's a part of my life, and I think he will always remain a very special part, annoying or not.
On other news, Maddy Mae, said my name! I am soooooo pleased! To be fair, since she was born, I have just said my name to her, over and over again. Then I got a text message off my sister the other daying, saying Maddy just pointed at a pic of me and said my name.....woooooooo....... and now she won't stop saying it! I love my Maddy Mae to pieces. It's so insane watching her grow up. She understands what you say to her. She's so clever. Obviously, I am completely biased, and I'm gushing like a fool, but I don't care! I think she is fab. She's started throwing temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way, she just throws herself on the floor and starts screaming. I thought that didn't happen till they were at least two! How the hell do you reason with a 15month year old? I just ignore her, and let her do her thing, and let her get over it. I took her shopping the other day, what a nightmare! First of all she kicked off because she wanted to walk......so I let her walk a little (because I don't give into her!) and oh my god! How do parents do it? Shop and keep track of a kid at the same time! She was into everything, and as cute as she is, I am so not ready for children!
Anyway, that's enough of that, it's nice to be back, and I'm going to try and make the effort to keep up with this regular again, and catch up with some of you lovely people too!