Well it's blogging time again. You will have to excuse me if this blog isn't up to my usual high quality (Ha!) but I am suffering from a monster hangover at the moment and I am still rather disorientated. I will work my way up to last night though, as I haven't actually blogged in a while, so there's quite a bit to catch up on I guess. First of all it's Valentines day! Wooohoooo! How exciting. Not wanting to sound like a whinging, bitter old hag, but what a waste of time it is! Now don't get me wrong, doing something nice for the person you love is a lovely idea and all, but please don't restrict it to just one day a year! That is something you should be doing every day if you truely appreciate them! Valentines day is just a card shop money making scheme. I was reading about how Valentines day is banned in some countries, I wouldn't go that far, but it may have its pluses, hehe! All I wanted for Valentines day was a big bunch of flowers. I don't even really want the man, or the date, or anything else, just the flowers will do me. I wasn't holding my breath for even that though really.
I've had a busy week, catching up with friends, spending time with Maddy Mae, and other things. Trying to make a few decisions for my future, yuck. Less said about that the better I think. I'm going to have to do something I really, really don't want to do, but I am starting to realise you have to make these sacrifices. I'm too busy living for the moment, and it is about time I started thinking about my future. I am still lacking enthusiasm on this, but I am sure it will arrive at some point. I met a boy, called Phil. I considered not including Phil in this blog, but he has taken up the majority of my time recently, so I guess I should do really. Phil and I get on really well, you know when you just meet someone and feel completely comfortable with them, that's me and him. However, that's also part of the problem with him. We arranged a date a few weeks ago, and he stood me up, which I wasn't best pleased about, and decided that would be his one and only chance. He did try to arrange a date again, but I wasn't having any of it, I think he took it as me playing hard to get. Why do boys see all these things as games. Don't they realise that when you play games, someone always has to lose.
Anyway, me and some friends went out last weekend, and we saw Phil and his friends out. Everyone had a good time together and it was a good night. There wasn't any romance or anything like that it was just a laugh. We have all gone out for a few drinks since and everytime it's the same, a good time. Phil and I have spent quite a bit of time together, we even went to the cinema the other night (Oceans Twelve, very good!). It was his birthday on Saturday and I didn't see him because he was working, but we all went out last night. This is where things start to get sloppy. We had a giggle as we usually do. Now just for the record, me and him have done NOTHING. No kissing, no anything, everything is purely on a friends basis, and I am perfectly happy with that. Last night a few people started making comments about us though, and a few seem to have us written off as a couple. Though I am not quite aware of when this happened, I did deny these comments, but he just kept quiet. At the end of the night he was putting me and my friend in a taxi and just before we left he give me a valentines day card, and a kiss on the cheek. Which I thought was really sweet. I went home and went to bed. When I woke up, I checked my phone, and I had two missed calls from him, and four text messages, which I thought was a bit, erm......I don't know. My Mum thinks he was just checking I got home alright, hmm. Then the worst, and the best bit happened..........I got a bunch of flowers delievered! My Valentines day flowers! Not red roses, but I won't be ungrateful, and they were from Phil. Awwww! The thing is, I want the flowers, but I don't really want the boy!
So I meet someone, I like, and I get on with, but I don't want them? I don't see why I can't have him as a friend. Someone not very wise, hehe, once told me that men and women can never be friends. I don't see why not. My friends think I am stupid and I should just go for it, but I can't. I can't fake that feeling for him. I am more than happy to be his friend, but I don't think it would be fair to either of us to do anything else. Me and him need a little talk I think, which I'm not exactly looking forward too. He just doesn't give me that feeling. That nervous excited feeling. Like your heart might stop any second, it just doesn't happen. Maybe I am holding out for something that will never happen, and I should just settle for a little less, but I'm not ready, or willing to do that just yet, or maybe my heart belongs somewhere else still. Who knows. Apart from the card and flowers from him, I haven't recieved anything! Very disappointing! I had images of the postman weighed down with cards, no such luck. I will just have to live in my own deluded little world I think.
The reason I am watching this blog, is mainly Kermit. Well that's a lie, it's all Kermit. Writing this will save conversation between us, and apparently that is a good thing at the moment. I miss him. I'm trying really hard not too, and for the most part I am doing alright. It is so much easier not talking to him. Which sounds harsh, but not talking to him makes it easier to put out of my mind what I am missing. I have now realised that liking him as I do is never going to do me any good. Nothing is ever going to come of it. My fault, mostly. Though if I hadn't messed up, nothing would ever have come of it anyway. Which is something that is slightly hard to take but totally true. I was never the person for him. It's kinda like the Phil situation again, except the roles are reversed. I have tried everything. I've tried hating him. Didn't really work. I've tried putting him out of my mind. Definetly didn't work. I've tried thinking of him in just a friend kind of way. That's starting to work a little. I still have these thoughts abou him though, I can't really explain them, my feelings for him haven't changed over time. The way I think of him, all the time we spent talking. All the little things, that only we understand. It's all swimming around in my mind, and I think it's such a shame that things are the way they are.
I did mess up though, big time. I have tried explaing things, but I know it won't change things now. I guess we will both have to put it down as a learning experience. I am so glad for the fact he was ever in my life though. Which sounds silly I guess, but it is very true. Even though I'm hurt and upset at the moment, he's made me realise it is possible to feel like that for someone. That someone will come into my life that will rock my world, and turn it upside down, and you know what it's the best feeling in the world. Maybe that's why I won't do anything with Phil, he doesn't rock anything. My sister thinks I'm not giving Phil a chance because of Kermit, and that I am stupid for doing that. That's not the case though. It's not like I'm thinking I won't do anything with Phil, because something will happen with Kermit, that's not the case. I know nothing ever will happen with Kermit. Me and him aren't even friends anymore, so I know for sure it won't. I guess it's just them feelings, I'm letting my heart lead me and it's telling me Phil isn't right, and I trust my heart.
I wish you all a very Happy Valentines day.