So I met a boy. I have to say meeting people isn't really an issue for me, and I'm not entirely sure why. Is it that everyone is desperate for love and therefore everyone you come across is a love interest? I hate that kind of thinking. It means you miss out on the all important friendship thing. Friends are important. They will be there for you no matter what, and you can rely on them, no matter what. Now as I said meeting people isn't an issue, even though I hate small talk with a passion, it is a truely pointless exercise, I am actually quite good at it. So meeting lots of random people of either sex isn't an issue. Meeting the right person is a bit more of an issue. You can meet nice people, funny people, interesting people. People who have all them qualities and more, in a way that I truely appreciate isn't always easy. Not many people get me excited, or keep me interested or make me want to talk to them. If I'm honest I'm pretty anti-social. People bore me. People are only usually in it for what they can get. I am obviously cynical, but I only like people in small doses. So for me to meet someone who I can't get enough of, who doesn't bore me, and who I actually really like more than I have anyone else in a long time is a rare occurence for me. I have met him though. I have found him. This person, personality wise is my perfect person. They are sharp and funny. They won't back down if they truely believe something. They are kind and considerate. They aren't straightforward, and they make me think at every opportunity possible. Which isn't really something many people do. This person is certainly special and something I haven't really come across before. However, life isn't always that perfect, and this comes with its downsides.
This boy, this special boy already has someone. A partner. So really, in theory that should be enough for me to want to back off and say well that's fair enough, and wait for the next one to come along. Except these things aren't like buses are they? You don't meet someone who makes you feel like that everyday, and I'm not just talking personality wise either. To look at him just makes me weak at the knees. There is something about his eyes that just makes me want to stare into them and not look anywhere else. To just hold his hand in mine, and feel like nothing else matters. That is what I want from this boy. Except with him having someone else, it's not really a situation I want to be getting in. I think he's happy with this person too. That doesn't change my feelings for him though, and I thought a part of him cared for me too. That some of the things I saw in him, he saw in me. Some of them special qualities that don't come along everyday, I thought he caught sight of them in me. I know I'm not perfect. A stupid part of me thought I was for him though. That he liked me as a friend, and that was the most important thing above anything else. That he saw me, and all the things that made him like me, that made him care for me would come flooding back. All the times I made him laugh, all the times we spent hours talking about nothing imparticular. The special unique friendship we built up, was important in its self. I've never had a friend like this before. Someone I feel I can say absolutley anything too. Someone who understands half the things I'm saying, without me actually having to say them. The friendship I have with him is special. Something that has not come over night, we worked at it. Maybe we saw something in each other that was worth working at. I think we see a bit of ourselves in each other. Which isn't always a pretty sight, but something we appreciate at the same time.
So after I built a friendship with this boy, maybe my feelings just got a bit over excited. Maybe finding someone like him confused everything else. I truely believe that I will never find anyone else like this boy. Maybe a silly thought, but it is completely true. There will never be anyone who makes me feel like he does again. However, there will be people who make me feel in a similar but different way. There will be people who touch my life in all kinds of different ways. No one like him. You see we have considered how I feel for him, but what about how he feels for me? Unfortunately my feelings aren't returned. I thought knowing that, it would make it easy for me to switch my feelings off. That I could just hit the 'he is just a friend' switch. Seems my switch is bust at the moment. Because it hasn't worked. A part of me is quite pleased about that. Which might sound odd. If I was capable of changing my feelings for him so easily, I would have to question if I ever really cared for him properly in the first place. I can quite honestly say though, hand on heart, I truely have feelings for him. Returned or not. At one point I thought he did. I didn't think these feelings were one sided. It was nice to think that, it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Now it just feels kind of empty. To know he saw the same things as I did in our friendship was nice. To think he cared for me, as I did him, was nice. Unfortunately it wasn't to be. You can't force people to have feelings for you, to care about you in the same way you do for them. They either do or they don't. He doesn't.
So what now? Well that is my dilema. Dilema is a little strong, but you know what I mean. Really I should hold on to this friend. I should see that people like that don't come along every day, and keep the friendship. I don't think I can though. He is always on my mind. When I hear his voice I just want to kiss him. To cuddle him would make all this go away. I can't just be his friend. I can't just switch my feelings off. To hear the lack of care he has for me. To hear the lack of interest he has for me, hurts. I don't see what else I can do. He won't feel for me they way I want him too and I can't switch my feelings. Maybe with time this will all be better and will hurt less. The worst thing is I can't talk to him about it. The person once upon a time I could tell everything. The person once upon a time would listen to me about anything has changed, it isn't the same. I can't continue to have feelings for someone who doesn't care for me. I don't want to lose a friend either. Yet I don't how I will be able to balance them both. I feel like some stupid girl, who should just be able to say he doesn't feel the same way, his loss. Except it isn't that easy when you care about someone. It shouldn't be either. Feeling like this for someone, and letting them in comes at a price, and I am paying it. I wouldn't have it any other way though. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.