I sometimes wonder where I'll be in ten years time. I don't really see a future for myself. Which hasn't worried me much. I have never wanted to be one of those people who has their future mapped out in front of them. That they know exactly where they are going. Anything like that scares me. I like my freedom. I like the fact I have no idea what I'm doing next week. Damn it, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. Now the only problem with this freedom is that you can end up doing absolutely nothing. With a lack of planning, and lack of direction, you can end up spending every day as you did the last. This freedom is good, but eventually you need to actually do something. What is the point in having all these things, if you do nothing with them. For way to long I have taken my life for granted. There are so many things I want to do, and so many things I am capable of doing. I don't see why I shouldn't do them. I still don't want my life planned out. I'm happy that I don't have a clue where I'll be in ten years. It makes it all ever so exciting. Just as long as I do something.
This last year feels like I've walked through it in some what of a daze. That I've not really lived the last year, I've just existed through it. It sounds bad, but it's not really. I'm only young, and I have plenty of time to achieve things. What I am learning is everything is an experience. We are all just learning. I don't need all the answers now, I can make mistakes, because it will prepare me for things in the future. That's the key, there is a future. I might feel at the moment that the world is going to end, when realistically it won't. I'll still wake up tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. My life will carry on, and eventually I will see the lessons I've learnt. Even now I look back at a few years ago, and my thoughts and feelings on things and I cringe. Recently I've read some blogs from the younger members of the community, and it's shocking how much I am reminded of myself at that age. There is one person especially that reminds me of myself, and I would love to sit them down and offer them some words of wisdom. Except even now I don't have the answers. I'm still making the same mistakes now. All that's different is I now know I'm making them mistakes. I'll only have the answers when it's to late. That is alright though, because along the way I'll probably make a few right decisions, and eventually it will even out. I hope.
I have gone through so many emotions this weekend that I'm amazed my head feels so straight at the moment. I started off feeling angry at someone. So angry at them. Not that I should be angry with them. They weren't the person I thought they were. That's all it was. I wasn't the person they thought I was either, so on that score I guess we are quits. I think I was more angry at myself for not realising this. It was there for me to clearly see, thinking about it. There is no point in getting angry, really no point at all. There are some things you just can't control, no matter how much you want too. People are in control of their own emotions, it's that simple. My anger turned towards sadness. No matter how much I think I got this person wrong, they changed me. I will never forget them, or the feelings they gave me. My perspectives on certain things will be forever changed. You should live your life with no regrets. I have no regrets of having this person in my life. They have given me hope for the future, and angry or not, I regard them very highly. In a way they will always be a friend to me. In a way they will always mean a great deal to me.
I didn't think I wanted them to either. I thought I would be better just hating them. Not the case, I think it's called cutting your nose off to spite your face. I feel happy at the moment. I've done a great deal of thinking, and life does go on. I have learnt a great deal of lessons recently. Mistakes I have made, mistakes other people have made. I can't have control over anything, all I can be is me, and whatever else happens isn't down to me. I'm not going to worry anymore, it's a pointless exercise. I'm going to go with the flow, and make a few decisions for myself. I don't want things to change, I just want to know what I'm doing next week.