It's actually quite strange the people you find yourself attracted too. There isn't always an explanation for it. I wish there was. Some formula so you could see what it is that makes you so attracted to someone. Is it really some kind of animal instinct? Maybe humans haven't evolved that much at all. Maybe it isn't down to how well you get on with someone, maybe it is down to that animal instinct physical attraction. Obviously there has to be something there when you scratch the surface. They can't just be a blank canvas. They say there is a thin line between love and hate. I wonder why that is. Because to hate someone takes as much effort as it does to love them. Caring about someone is hard work. Much harder than I ever expected it to be. I quite like that aspect of it though. It shouldn't be easy. You should be made to work for all them warm fuzzy feelings you get. There's a fine line though, it can become to much like hard work, and what if your feelings aren't returned? What if you have these truely amazing feelings for someone. You wake up and think of them, the majority of yur day is filled with thoughts of them, and you go to bed dreaming of them at night. Yet they barely acknowledge your existance? Can you just turn your feelings off? Can you think to yourself, they don't like me, so they aren't worthy of my feelings? Ahh, if only it was that simple. The opposite to love is indifference. At some point will you be able to think, I don't actually care about you anymore. You don't matter. I don't love you anymore. Even when you hate someone, you care about them, in some kind of messed up reality. There is no indifference there.
I'm in my usual state of confusion. It would appear in recent times that is my main feeling. Confused. I don't really know where I'm upto with anything. Even this blog, I'm not sure where I'm really going with this. I know the thoughts in my head, I'm just not sure how to explain them. Or even if they are the right thoughts. They can't be wrong though, can they? I lost my friend. I kind of expected it. I deserved it. The thing that is infuriating me about the whole situation is he doesn't think I have lost him. Or he claims that we are still friends. Things aren't the same though, and he knows that, and I wish he would just say, 'I hate you', and be done with it. Instead of the brief, polite conversations we now fall into. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I can't carry on caring for him at this level, when he can't even bare to speak to me. It sucks when feelings aren't returned. It hurts a great deal, but you can get over these things. If he was honest and straight with me it would then give me the opportunity to change my mindset on it all, and not care for him as I do. Which obviously won't be that easy. I won't be able to just flick a switch in my head and he is gone. It shouldn't be like that. Not when he means so much to me. He does. An awful lot, more than he should. I don't know why that is really. When I first met him I thought he was the most annoying person on this planet, and though that thought hasn't changed there is also something extremely lovely about him. I am sure I am biased. Well I know I am. I just don't know where or how my thoughts changed on him. He is smart and interesting. He comes out with some of the oddest things, that no sane person would even notice or be interested in. Though I usually laugh at him for these things, I kind of like them. All his little quirks I like, because they make him who he is. Though he's the person that annoys the hell out of me. He's also the person that makes me laugh, that gives me butterflies, that listens when I have a problem. This person who I greatly disliked has become my best friend. How, where or why, I don't know. I have never clicked with someone like I have him, and I'm sure I will never click with someone like that in the same way again.
Though this person is a great friend to me, I haven't alway been the greatest friend to them. I actually understand why they would want nothing to do with me, in a lot of ways I think that should be the way it is. I've done some things that aren't so nice. I don't think I'm a bad person though, nothing I did was about them. It was all about me. I didn't have evil motives with it. It was just me. My own insecurities, nothing else. I am sorry for that, you are the one person I should be able to be open and honest with, and I couldn't be. You should understand why I did it though. I'm sure a part of you hates me for it, and that's fair enough. You should tell me if you do though. Don't treat me like a fool. Just be honest with me, even if it's brutal and harsh, I would appreciate the truth alot more than anything else. The way you are acting at the moment is hurting me. I'm not sure if that's your intention or not. I know it would be very easy for you to move on. After what you told me last weekend I realise that I am just another girl to you. I guess they all are. Just other girls. Maybe that thought should be enough for me to move on.