Christmas wasn't as bad as I expected. I was prepared for the worst day possible, and it was actually pretty painless. We had a few arguments, a few disagreements, but on the whole we all got along pretty well. Me and Santa need a discussion about his present delivering techniques but that's another story. No mince pies for him next year. Christmas is generally a time for family and people you care about. I am very grateful for my family and the fact that I'm not alone at Christmas, to be completely alone at Christmas must suck. I was talking to a friend of my sisters the other day, she was spending Christmas on her own. I offered her an invitation to spend Christmas with us, but she declined. I don't really blame her, your own family can be bad enough, nevermind other peoples. I did feel bad for her though. Just you and the television. Not watching your Mum getting stressed over the cooking, your Dad drunk and sleeping in the chair and your sisters arguing. Must be quiet. The one person I would of most liked to spend my Christmas with, I couldn't. The one person I believe that could of probably of brightened up my day wasn't with me. They never are. Not their fault. Christmas is after all about being with family. It would of just have being nice if he was here, to feel he had a little bit of time for me. He doesn't though. I spent Xmas day thinking about him, and wondering what he was up to, and noticing things that would make both of us giggle.
He has being a busy boy though. I guess this time of year is to be with people you love, and I just want to be with him, is that so bad? I feel guilty for thinking like that, like I should be happy with what I've got, and the people I have. It is obvious he doesn't feel the same way. Yet I still have this hope this stupid hope. I think Christmas just makes me silly. Makes me get all emotional, and well as I said just stupid. I just wanted him. That's all. Sounds pathetic doesn't it. It's not even in a needy way. I got by without him. It would of just of been nice to have the person who means most to me here. This time makes me think about where this situation is going. He isn't mine. He never will be mine. Yet I sit here wishing he was, wishing he was here. I wish I knew he cared. That I just wasn't wasting my time. His behaviour is odd though. I feel like I have to pencil in an appointment I don't want to be that to him. Something he has to do. Someone he has to keep happy. I want him to ache for me the way I ache for him. I think I need to stop writing these blogs. I just sound like one big whinge bag. I just really care about him. When he is around nothing else matters, because somehow he feels a part of me.
I've being in a really soppy mood I think that's what this is about. Really soppy. Which isn't like me really. Usually my sarcasm hides all that well enough, but Chrsitmas always gets me thinking. New Year too. If I thought Xmas was bad, the New Year will be even worse. I will want him even more. I think I'm feeling a bit irritated with him. My emotions about him never stay the same for long, and it's not really him it's the situation more than anything. Yet somehow I always make it him. Sometimes nothing he does it right, I can turn everything into a bad thing. That's the frame of mind I'm in. I just don't understand him. I don't understand how he works. I'm sure that's part of the reason I like him, but I would like to understand. I would like to know I mean as much to him as I he does to me. that I'm not wasting my time here, because I fear that I am. Christmas has just made me realise that more than ever. When push comes to shove, I am not on his list of things that matter. Everything else comes first. I understand that. I can see why that is. Still upsets me though.
He can be so lovely. So adorable. He can say all the right things, and I just think yeah, we are on the same page. Then one simple little thing can change that way of thinking. I think I have being to hard on him in this blog, I guess I just needed somewhere to let it out. Because I can't tell him. I'd have to find him first *meow*. Okay, I'm going to behave now, I know I'm being a child. I probably shouldn't even post this, but what the heck. It will give him insight into my mind if nothing else.