"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood."
Published on November 21, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships
Love is a complicated thing. It would be disappointing if it was anything but complicated. If it didn't stretch you in the slightest, and didn't confuse you at any point, you would wonder what all the fuss was about. Why love was the promised land. People can live very happy fulfilled lives and not be in love. It isn't the be all and end all. It is an added bonus if anything. For love to touch your life, you should be honoured, because real love, is very hard to find, and for those of us who have had it, who have still go it, we are incredibley lucky. Why is it so good though? Life can be lonely, and at some point I'm sure we have all felt some level of lonliness. Whether we have just had a bad day, we have come home to a cold empty house, and there has been no one to hug us, or to tell us tomorrow will be better. It is nice to have that. Little girls dream of getting older, and getting married. You know the white dress, the happy family. All that stuff. I can't say that was one of my biggest dreams, but I was always somewhat of a cynic. Who would of known huh. I did reach a point though where boys and relationships and love, did play a part in my thoughts. They did begin to matter. Sometimes far more than I would of liked them too. They never mattered that much though. That I thought my life would come to an end if I didn't have someone to love, or I needed someone to love. In fact if I'm honest, love didn't play a major part for me. I was always the girl, boys gave funny looks too. The girl who was too outspoken, or had far to many opinions on things. The girl who was to fussy. I am still told that to this day. I never thought I would find someone who I loved, who would like me for me. For the person I was. Boys are fickle creatures. Especially at certain ages. Boys appreciated my boobs, and my ass, and whatever else tickled their pre-puberty, ball dropping minds. As years went on, I didn't even think I wanted love. I mean from the things I'd seen, love lead to one thing, and one thing only, heartbreak. Whether that was after a week, or ten years, you would be at some point at the heartbreak hotel.

As I said earlier to find love is an amazing thing, and though I am cynical about many things to do with love, I believe everyone has a soulmate. They may meet different people at different stages of their life that suit them, for whatever reasons, but I do think people only ever have one soulmate. Only that one person who laughs at your stupid jokes, only that one person who see's you first thing in the morning and would still ravish you. Only that one person who will listen patiently to your problems, and do everything in their power to make you happy again. Only that one person where words aren't enough. This person is an amazing gift, and if you find them you should keep hold of them no matter what, because they don't come along everyday. So imagine you meet this person. The person who rocks your world. I hate to think I am reliant on anyone. I like to think I can look after myself, and that's that. No help from anyone. No one to look after me. I don't like to think I have to put my trust in anyone else. It's like these women that marry for money. I could never do that. I like to be my own woman, and I thought love would somehow take away from that. Would make me weak. Love makes you stronger. You may have a great life, a good career, a happy family, brilliant friends, but that one special person in your life, makes it perfect. You still get them days where you wake up late, it's raining, the bus splashes a big puddle over you, and you are late for work, and your boss is in a crappy mood. Them days still happen, but at the end of the day, you get to go home, and laugh about them with someone. That is the difference, you have someone, and not just anyone. Someone that makes you smile when you think about them, and makes you mad sometimes, and annoys you, yet somehow you find them things adorable too.

Love is never an easy road, and it shouldn't be. For two people to get together, two worlds must come together and fit in with each other. That isn't always easy, no matter how in love you are, you still need your space, still need to grow as a person yourself. There will be arguments, disagreements. There will also be making up and kisses and cuddles. So you meet this person. You go throught the getting to know you stage. The finding out every little thing. Then sooner or later the novelty will wear off. You will reach a comfort zone, and you might have to work at things a little bit. Old arguments will keep coming up. You won't want to spend as much time together, making you wonder if that was really it. I know for me, I never lost that flutter in my tummy, I never lost that little bit of nervousness. I never lost wanting that person so much. Even when they did irritate me, or annoy me. Because I knew they were special. You value the time you spend together. Just the simple things are so important. Them jokes only you two understand. That still make you laugh weeks later. So you meet this person, and you go through all the stages, but you still think they are great. They still make you happy, still make you smile. Everything is good.

Now as I said, it rarely lasts forever, and one day you will end up nursing a broken heart. The price you pay for letting someone play with it in the first place. Now usually a broken heart makes you vow to be closed off forever more, as you never want to feel a pain like it again. Because it does hurt, and anyone who says it doesn't is telling porkies. It hurts like nothing else. For a while your world feels empty. All you can think about is them. You wish you could just have things the way they were, a few more stolen moments. You wish for anything to make you stop crying and take your mind off things. When things come to an end, people often end up angry, or upset. Someone usually did something wrong for it to end up that way. Mistakes are made, or you find out the person just wasn't what you think they were. The one thing about finding this person, and losing them is you should never regret it. Even if it really hurts, never wish to have never had them in your life, because you was lucky. Even if it was a short time, and your heart is in two. The things they brought into your life are priceless, and you should be grateful for them. Even the pain you feel is just a sign of how much they meant to you. Love isn't always a two way street. You can feel these things for people, and they may not feel the same in return. Or they may regret the time that they spent with you. When someone says to you the time they spent with you was a waste, and they didn't enjoy it, it hurts. When it meant so much to you, and made you so happy, and you are suffering the pain of it. For them to tell you it meant nothing, and they would rather it had never happened. That it was a bad experience for them. It does hurt, alot. Because you hope that you somehow gave them a little bit of what they gave you. That they felt something similar. That a small part of them misses that time. That's not always the case, and to hear that does upset you. It upset me. Love is a complicated thing.

Comments
on Nov 21, 2004
Love is...
on Nov 21, 2004
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on Nov 21, 2004
Oh Sal, this made me cry sweedie. There's a lotta soul searching that inevitably comes along with love, and you're not alone in these thoughts. Far from it- think of all the poetry and art and music dedicated to love and lovers and heartbreak. There's a line in a gorgeous song Billie Holiday sang called "When your lover has gone" that goes- "For ages and ages the poets and sages of wond'rous love always sing. But ask any lover, and you'll soon discover, the heart aches that romance can bring."

I feel like that sums up a lot of what I feel about love.

As for soulmates, I'm not sure if I believe there's truly only one person for everybody. There's a lotta people out there, and if you hold out for just the one person all your life you might miss someone just as wonderful. I'm lucky I guess in that I grew up with a person who fits how you described a soulmate, and I've never been without him. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not with him. I think maybe I'm trying to learn how to live independently, I think I'm trying to find something in myself that I can count on. Because when it comes down to it, the only person that's guaranteed to never leave me is myself. That's not exactly an appealing thought and I don't like myself half of the time, but I don't think I can love anyone or let anyone love me until i make somekinda peace with myself. And that's why I'm not with Dennie right now, and maybe I never will be, and i think this is what I need. Even with him i still get lonely, and I still get depressed, and that's why i think I need to be with myself until I can find a place where i don't feel like that.

I don't know if that made sense. I hope it helps honey.You're real smart Sal, and you'll figure this whole thing out, I'm sure. Keep writing.

Dyl xx






on Nov 25, 2004
Dyl you said it so beautifully. I truely believe Holden is your soulmate too. You have something so special with him. Even though you may never be together, for whatever reasons, you have something very special in him, and I know you know that. I agree with the whole liking yourself thing too. We should be comfortable in our own skin, and shouldn't rely on other people. Other people are just an added bonus in my opinion. Thanks for all your comments and support chicken. Love ya xxx