"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood."
Published on November 12, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships
Goodbye. You know I think I'm pretty strong. I know what I want and I generally get it. I don't need anyone. No one to look after me. No one to care for me. No one I care for. I don't need anyone. I said that right? When I was at school, I remember wanting to fit in. I remember everyone else wanting to fit in. Wanting to be liked, and doing whatever to fit in that stereotype. To be different just wasn't the right thing. To stand alone just wasn't the right thing. To be alone at anytime in that period just wasn't on. I don't actually remember at what point I started buying into that. I didn't want to be like everyone else. I actually went out of my way not to be. Not to fit in with the in crowd, not to be scared of being alone. I actually found out that I enjoyed my own company. I enjoyed only ever having to please myself. It wasn'y lonely. It was simple. To please no one else. You never let anyone down. You never hurt them. You never feel let down. You don't feel anything. You don't know that though. Who is going to tell you? I don't need anyone. Not even you.

Goodbye. Saying goodbye to someone, a situation. Anything. Is easy, when you are alone. Because you never have anything to say goodbye too. I never understood the full pain of goodbye. People come in and out of your life at an amazing speed. No one stays around for long, and if they do, there has to be something wrong with them. Surely? On the last day of school people were crying and getting emotional. For what? People they had spent years trying to impress. Failed miserabley and now could only hope for the school reunion ten years down the line to say 'look at what I have become'. When did we all become about other people. I didn't cry. Not because I wouldn't miss people. I would. That is what life is about. Moving on to the next stage. Moving on to the next heartache. That's what keeps the world moving. If I'm honest I never invested that much emotion in anyone. Save the pain. They'd only leave. Keeping people at arms length. The best way. In my youthful, cynical eyes. I don't need anyone. Not even you.

Goodbye. I realised soon after school love would be a complicated part of my life. I realised I would never be able to give myself fully to anyone. I would never be able to give anyone that full trust. Enter first serious boyfriend. First serious boyfriend was an eye opening experience for me. As I'm sure most peoples first boyfriends are. Remembering him now, I think Awwww. He was nice, and what I needed at that time of my life. He was a big cuddley bear. He was my pet. I think that's where it started going wrong. It was very sweet at the time. At some point it made me want to puke. He told me he loved me. I could never say it back. He said it lots. He didn't mean it. He never said it with meaning. He never made my heart skip a beat. He never made me nervous and fidgety. He was convenient. That is what loves about. In the real world. Convenience. At some point I realised that isn't what I wanted. It didn't give me the feeling. I didn't believe in love. I don't know why. Maybe I was born a realist. Some would call it cynical. I would call it protecting myself. I don't need anyone. Not even you.

Goodbye. Fast forward a few years. Love escaped me. It never touched my life. Only the bad parts of relationships ever seemed to come my way. My fault. I wasn't capable of letting anyone in. Letting anyone love me. The times in my life where people have declared love for me, usually are around the same time I no longer want them in my life. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe like the fight. Maybe I like the chase. Maybe I did. Because remember I was happy to be alone. I knew that the only person on this world who would look after me. Would be me. No one else. When I die, I will be the one there, suffering through it. No one else. When I cry, alone at night. I am the one hurting. No one else. When I get up, and hold my head up to the world. That is about me, no one else. My parents met young. Fell in love. They have being happy ever since. Not me. What they have is beautiful. Completely. That is something I will never have. I live in a different world. A world where it's all about me. I don't need anyone. Not even you.

Goodbye. Then he arrived in my life. He arrived, he came stumbling in. I think that's why I didn't like him. He was never invited into my life. I never let him in. He kicked the door down and then just made himself at home. Apparently the best people come when you least expect them. They come into your life for no apparent reason. Some call it fate. I thought it was a huge pain in the ass. I didn't think for a second this person would change my life. They did though. In ways I am completely thankful for. Even the bad things. Life is one long lesson. If you don't study. You just fail the test at the end. I am cold hearted. I can be the coldest person you ever come across. I can not care about anything. I can be happy with that. I met my match. The person that could make my heart stop. The person who could make me giggle like a little girl. I met him. As much as he infuriated me. He made me want him. As much as I wanted to kill him. I wanted to love him. As much as I wanted my heart to remain cold. I wanted to place it in his hands. As much as I wanted to lock him out. I wanted to be in his arms. As much as he made me frown. He made me smile. As much as I didn't want to believe in love. He made me believe. He made me. I didn't want to let someone in. I didn't have to. He let himself in. That was when I realised. Love wasn't a choice. It was a way of life. I don't need anyone. Not even you.

Goodbye. I was a fool. I thought that word would be easy. I thought I could do it. Make a mistake and walk away. I thought you was perfect. I thought so much. I knew so little. I never told you so much. Now I will never get the chance. I never told you how sorry I was that things were like this. Not sorry for me. Not even sorry for you. Sorry for us. I enjoyed loving you. I enjoyed the feeling. Like nothing I'd ever felt before. It's not really anything anyone can see. I don't think people can even tell. It's just a feeling. It makes you that little bit lighter. Makes you that little bit more open. Makes you that bit happier. Love is also scary. You never know where it will take you. The fear is part of it's magic. Part of it's test. I think I failed that part. Which lead to my downfall in the end. Which lead to my heartache. Heartbreak. Whatever you would like to call it. Maybe years had warped my mind. Maybe I was still thinking for myself. Maybe I never considered you. Thinking back I always thought about me. I thought you was happy. It was never about you in my mind. They were my emotions, my feelings, my love. Not yours. Or anyone elses. I realise now that to feel the full force of love I needed to give all of me to you. To consider you too. To include you. The most amazing thing to ever enter my life and the most amazing thing to ever leave it. You. I'm sorry. I messed up on so many things. I messed up love. I tried saying goodbye throughout this. It still doesn't feel right. I don't need anyone. Only you.

Comments
on Nov 12, 2004
on Nov 12, 2004
Nice poem
on Nov 12, 2004
Powerful.
on Nov 13, 2004
Update your blog already!!! I'm getting impatient. Don't make me get the IRA onto you.
on Nov 13, 2004
Sal, I know exactly what you mean. Love is scary as hell. It's intense and crazy and irrational and it'll drag you back and forth between agony and ecstasy and leave you seriously messed up at the end of it all. Sometimes I feel like I should have "fragile-handle with care" stamped on my head so people are gentle with me, cuz I know how badly I feel when someone hurts me, when things go wrong.

But I don't think it's a good idea to just shut yourself of from love and all its consequences-good or bad. It's experiencing those kind of emotions- those extremes of pain and pleasure- that let you grow as a person, figure out who you are and what you want, learn how to deal with things, understand how you respond to happiness and grief and why. I think you have to try to be open to everything life has to offer- all the darkness and pain, and light and joy too. I'd hate to miss out on that because I was too afraid to take a risk.

When you're alone for so long, you get complacent- get comfortable being by yourself. and maybe you forget about the crippling loneliness that comes along with that, or maybe you just choose loneliness over heartache. But I think pain is equally a part of human life as happiness is. Maybe we need to try and embrace negative emotions instead of running away from them, as well as enjoying the positive feelings in life too. Just think of how much creativity comes from sorrow, as well as joy.

Love is fleeting- it's part of its nature and you can't make yourself happy by clinging on to it. Just be open to the possibilities, enjoy it while its there, mourn it when its gone, and understand maybe its all just par for the course, life is about loss and gain, and you're strong enough to cope with that Sal, I promise.

Dyl xxx
on Nov 16, 2004
Babe,

I think that you are taking too much blame/responsibility for this situation. It was complicated and so are you, but that doesn't make it your fault. It doesn't necessarily make it anyone's fault. While you were closed off emotionally, he was closed in other ways. There were certain things that were always going to make it hard, so don't blame yourself.

It's great that you were able to experience love in all its craziness. And you will do so again. You're really special and kind and wonderful and, while it might take a while, it will happen.

Take care of you,

Suz xxx
on Nov 16, 2004
Sally,

Hello. You don't know me, I don't know you. It doesn't really matter. When I woke up at 4:30am I couldn't get back to sleep, so I logged in to JU and saw... this.

These words, they're so eloquent and carefully chosen, and yet they hardly do you justice I bet. The true feeling must be something you cannot write about no matter how hard you try. Goodbye is such a strong, final word. It seems so rational, under given circumstances, that it's almost natural to say it. And yet time after time, we discover we don't truly know what it means.

I should know all about this, as I recently told someone this very same thing.

Days, weeks later, I have struggled to comprehend my decision. I had a friend. I meant something to someone. And now? Well... I won't really get into that. And I won't say what people usually say in these situations: that you'll find somone else. I mean, because really, you don't want someone else. You want that person back, that person who made you feel the way you did, despite yourself.

Nothing, and I mean, nothing I can do really, or say really, will probably make this better or you feel any different than you feel. Can I offer you a ray of hope? A hand of friendship? Perhaps, but that's not really why I'm here.

I'm here because I want to say one thing important: you're not alone. It may sound strange or weird considering I don't know you, but take heart.

I close this now because I don't know what else to say. My blog this morning shall be entitled "I used to...." Read it if you so desire. If not, that's okay too.

Sincerely,
Craig
on Nov 17, 2004
Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this one....

Nice poem


Thankyou.

Powerful.


Thanks Brad

Dyl thankyou so much for the comment, I know exactly what you mean. Wehn going through things like this, I find writing is a journey through it. I can freely express my emotions without having to be rational about it, because in the end I know that will sort its self out. I know that to ever know true love, you need to feel the pain of heartbreak. It does hurt, but I know I will get through it, thanks for your support sweety, you are an angel.

Thanks Suz. Complicated it an understatement. I don't think blame is the right word. I don't know how I feel about things at the moment, which would be why it was complicated, I suppose. Love is an amazing feeling and I wouldn't take it back for anything. Thankyou sweety. Take care of you.

Craig, thanks for that beautiful comment. I shall go and check out your blog. Goodbye is difficult to say, and I don't think that this is a final goodbye. It hurts to say, and to think that this is it, the end, hurts even more.

Thankyou all xxx