"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood."
Published on October 27, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships
There's something about the way I'm feeling at the moment, that I just truely can't explain. It's not sad. It's close, but not quite. I promised myself I wouldn't write about this, but I find writing is the best therapy for me, to get all my thoughts in order and things in to perspective. I don't even really know where to start. This weekend has been the most awful weekend I have had, since, well since forever. It was supposed to be the best weekend. I was going to do something that made me so happy but so nervous. When you build yourself up for something, the only way is down, and that sure is where my weekend went. Straight down the toilet. I lost two of my best friends this weekend. One let me down and the other I let down. My philosophy of life is, I don't need anyone. I am not a people person, I don't need alot of people around me to feel good about myself. I choose the people I trust carefully, and they are the only few I need around me. I don't really want to go into detail about all this. I think one of the friendships can be saved, but I think one has gone forever, and that is heartbreaking to think of.

The friendship that can be saved is the longest one. Ten years. This isn't the first time we have fallen out and I doubt it will be the last. That's what friendships are about. Falling out, and making up. This friend let me down big time though. So far I have avoided her, and tried to calm down a little bit. She's made a few attempts to get in touch with me. I'm just hurt that she wasn't there when I needed her, and I wanted her to be. Maybe this isn't making sense. Me and my friend went somewhere that we don't know very well over the weekend, drinking, and for a good night. She met a man, and just left with him. Not telling me where she would be, and just leaving me in a place I don't know, with a guy (his friend) I didn't know. Maybe I'm over reacting, but that isn't what friends do. I will end up forgiving her for it. I'm a big girl and I should be able to look after myself.

Which leads me on to the friend that I let down. This is far more complicated, and far more upsetting situation. The worrying thing about this is, I know we won't make up, and I know we said our goodbye without realising it. I'm still hoping that isn't it, but I know it is. I've lost something really special there, and I don't think it's fully hit me yet. I'm upset with him too, though I know I have no right to be. Maybe we are both as bad as each other I don't know. I wanted to do things right by him, and I messed up. The worrying thing is, maybe this friendship wasn't as strong as I thought it was, if it can be over that easily. That he just isn't in my life that easily. I have to be glad that he was in my life, and touched it slightly. That he changed my views, made me laugh on so many occasions, that I can't regret any of that. I know that I will never meet anyone like that, ever again, and as much as that makes me sad, I also know that I should be happy to have had that. I'm sorry.

So things are complicated, at the moment. Which leads me on to more news. My auntie, well I don't know what to call her, my Nans sister, so...some kind of great Auntie. Anyway she has a cottage in Ireland. I love Ireland. It's so beautiful. She's gone away at the moment, and her cottage is sitting empty. She said I'd be more than welcome to go and stay there for a while. I might just do that, get my head straight, dedicate sometime to JU. Just do some none complicated things, and hopefully smile again soon. The therapy didn't work. I didn't think it would. Oh well.

Comments
on Oct 27, 2004
Life is about change, and we cannot always hold onto the things we hold most dear. But, being an optimist, I always say that as one door closes another one opens. Maybe not immediately - but it will.
That may seem trite - but I have found it holds true. Go to Ireland - because if you do something different - something different will happen to you. Just give it time. Bury your head in books/countryside/ walks/music/cooking outrageous dishes/sleep/blogs.........

Ciao (thats Italian for "I'm a Prat!")

on Oct 27, 2004
Oh honey,

I'm so, so sorry to hear that things are so shitty at the moment. The friend that left you at the club definitely did the wrong thing. I've had people do it to me and, while I believe it is forgiveable, they can't do it again. If it happens again it means that their concern for your welfare falls pretty far down their list. Everyone's entitled to a mistake - especially when alcohol is involved (not to be used as an excuse, but it does effect your judgement) I'm glad you got home OK.

As for the other friend... There's nothing harder than losing someone because you did something wrong. Maybe with time you guys can resolve things? Until then, take care of yourself, take some time out and do some things that make you happy. Holing up in a house in Ireland may be just the medicine you need, or maybe giggling with your niece.

Whichever way, be kind to yourself. If you want to chat I'm here for you.

Suz xxx
on Oct 27, 2004
It's hard to deal with several shocks the system at once. It's bad enough that you ere hurt by a close friend, but then to immediately deal with the opposite....well, I know it's got to be hard. Make peace with yourself by doing the best you can to appologize and right the wrong. If he doesn't accept it, then that's his desicion, but YOU would have done the right thing and have nothing else to feel bad about. Try your best and then go to Ireland. Just try not to obsess while you are there about the things you "shoulda, coulda, woulda" done.....make it a happy memory
on Oct 27, 2004
Sal, I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now..friendships are such tricky things, I know. People come in and out of your life and I think that they all serve some purpose, whether it's opening your eyes to something you didn't see before, offering a different point of view, or just helping you out. I think everybody has something to teach us (god, that sounds like something Dr Phil would say yuk!) good or bad,about life, or about people or about ourselves- and it's important to pay attention. Some people are gonna stick around, and some people won't- sometimes you grow apart or one of you screws up and that's just the way it goes. If you can fix things and they're worth fixing- then do it- but if not, I think you just have to let go.

That's the problem with people..you can't put them in boxes and keep them forever, trying to keep people usually drives them away. Friendship is a funny thing- you can't get it or keep it by force, so I think you just have to take things easy, see how things go. I don't think you should just draw a line under things the second you think they're over- they may well not be. And if they are- it's probably for the best. (I know that's probably not comforting at all though).

Anyway, in conclusion to this big stupid ramble- I hope you work things out with your friends. it's interesting because you're in both positions- forgiving and to be forgiven. So hopefully you can understand how both your friends are feeling too.

As for Ireland- why not? Maybe a little vacation is just what you need. Ireland is beautiful too.

stay safe honey.

Dyl xx