There's something about the way I'm feeling at the moment, that I just truely can't explain. It's not sad. It's close, but not quite. I promised myself I wouldn't write about this, but I find writing is the best therapy for me, to get all my thoughts in order and things in to perspective. I don't even really know where to start. This weekend has been the most awful weekend I have had, since, well since forever. It was supposed to be the best weekend. I was going to do something that made me so happy but so nervous. When you build yourself up for something, the only way is down, and that sure is where my weekend went. Straight down the toilet. I lost two of my best friends this weekend. One let me down and the other I let down. My philosophy of life is, I don't need anyone. I am not a people person, I don't need alot of people around me to feel good about myself. I choose the people I trust carefully, and they are the only few I need around me. I don't really want to go into detail about all this. I think one of the friendships can be saved, but I think one has gone forever, and that is heartbreaking to think of.
The friendship that can be saved is the longest one. Ten years. This isn't the first time we have fallen out and I doubt it will be the last. That's what friendships are about. Falling out, and making up. This friend let me down big time though. So far I have avoided her, and tried to calm down a little bit. She's made a few attempts to get in touch with me. I'm just hurt that she wasn't there when I needed her, and I wanted her to be. Maybe this isn't making sense. Me and my friend went somewhere that we don't know very well over the weekend, drinking, and for a good night. She met a man, and just left with him. Not telling me where she would be, and just leaving me in a place I don't know, with a guy (his friend) I didn't know. Maybe I'm over reacting, but that isn't what friends do. I will end up forgiving her for it. I'm a big girl and I should be able to look after myself.
Which leads me on to the friend that I let down. This is far more complicated, and far more upsetting situation. The worrying thing about this is, I know we won't make up, and I know we said our goodbye without realising it. I'm still hoping that isn't it, but I know it is. I've lost something really special there, and I don't think it's fully hit me yet. I'm upset with him too, though I know I have no right to be. Maybe we are both as bad as each other I don't know. I wanted to do things right by him, and I messed up. The worrying thing is, maybe this friendship wasn't as strong as I thought it was, if it can be over that easily. That he just isn't in my life that easily. I have to be glad that he was in my life, and touched it slightly. That he changed my views, made me laugh on so many occasions, that I can't regret any of that. I know that I will never meet anyone like that, ever again, and as much as that makes me sad, I also know that I should be happy to have had that. I'm sorry.
So things are complicated, at the moment. Which leads me on to more news. My auntie, well I don't know what to call her, my Nans sister, so...some kind of great Auntie. Anyway she has a cottage in Ireland. I love Ireland. It's so beautiful. She's gone away at the moment, and her cottage is sitting empty. She said I'd be more than welcome to go and stay there for a while. I might just do that, get my head straight, dedicate sometime to JU. Just do some none complicated things, and hopefully smile again soon. The therapy didn't work. I didn't think it would. Oh well.