Apparently it takes alot more effort to hate someone than it does to like them. Liking someone is the easy option. To hate them, for me at least means they have done something significant to cause this reaction. When I say significant, I don't mean they stepped on my foot, or looked at me the wrong way. I mean, they did something that I will never be able to forgive them for. As a rule I don't hate, not because of the effort of it, but because it consumes you. It makes you act in a way you otherwise wouldn't. It lets you excuse actions that you would otherwise not tolerate. Hating someone makes me hate myself. I'm selfish, I don't want to hate.
I am close to it at the moment though. My sister is moving back home. Which means a sharp exit for me. I can't hack living with her again. I can't hack hating her. I was just forgiving her. I was just about managing to get on with her. I was just about managing to put up with her poor me, the world hates me act. Just. It's worked though. She's made a thousand promises, that she's changed, that she'll be good, all the usual crap, and as usual my folks have bought it. They have felt sorry for her, and she is coming back. If this hadn't happened a million times before, maybe I could be happy about it. I've seen it all before though. My sister finally gets the kick up the arse she needs. She actually has to suffer for her actions for once, she starts to realise she needs to change her life, and then my folks take pity on her, bail her out. For a week or so, she is all good and stuff, then we just go back to the old ways. So my folks suffer. I hate that the most. I hate watching them look at her and wonder what they did wrong. I know they blame themselves. I want to shake them and say look me and Katy turned out ok, it's not you it's her.
I understand it is their daughter, and they will love her no matter what. I am finding that tougher and tougher every day. To be blind to what she has done to us. I also know there is good things about my sister. I know she loves me, and I know she would do anything for me. Does that mean I should forgive her, and give her another chance? I'm just so angry with her, and at my family for setting themselves up for this fall, and it will happen. I know that. She won't change, she is to set in her ways. I've lost hope for her, and that breaks my heart, but I think I need to prepare myself for that. I lost my sister a long time ago, and I can't watch my parents torture themselves. So if she returns, I go. i won't tell my folks this of course. It's not about choosing. I know they want to help her. I just can't watch it anymore. It's time I spread my wings anyway, and became an adult. I'm right in thinking that your Mum still cooks and does your washing for you, even if you don't live under the same roof?