She sat. She stood. She paced. She sat again. She looked at her phone. She sighed. She lay down finally giving into the sleep that was creeping on her so badly. She couldn't get him out of her head though. No matter how badly she wanted to shake it. No matter how much she wanted a clear head, she couldn't. Why couldn't she let him go. Let him ride away on a wave of good times. Why couldn't she free him from her mind, even for a short amount of time. She lay there in the dark. Just thinking about him. Was this obsessive? She felt it was. She didn't want to feel like this. She sat up again. She needed to shake these thoughts. How to do it though? Maybe if she thought of all the times he annoyed her, maybe if she could work herself up to be angry with him now. So the fluffy thoughts she was having about him would disappear. That she wouldn't ache for him to be next to her, that she wouldn't want to hear his reassuring words, that she didn't secretly hope he was aching for her too. Why couldn't she be free.
Did free mean she was alone? Alone to enjoy her own company. Would she still feel like this if she was free? She had always thought she was in control of her own feelings, then she had met him. Even after meeting him she had been under the deluded impression she controled her own feelings. She didn't though. He didn't control them either. Though she was sure he liked to think he did. It was more than that though. This feeling that was now stopping her from sleeping, was more than that. It was beyond any ones control no matter how much she tried to talk common sense into herself, she was having none of it. She didn't like this feeling. At all. She had noticed that with feelings though. No matter what they were, you didn't have control of them. It took alot of work to exercise a level of control on them. You could try lying to yourself maybe. Try convincing yourself that you were heartless. She felt sorry for people who succeeded at doing this, because as much as this feeling bothered her she wouldn't be without it.
She wondered if he was thinking about her at this moment. She doubted he was. Maybe the doubt was what was bothering her the most. If she knew he felt the same, she would relax somehow. She felt silly. For thinking, for wondering. She was wandering into land that didn't belong to her and she had to back off, she knew it, but could someone tell her feelings that please. Sat in the dark. Trying desperately to remember all the times he irritated her. She remembered them. The feelings of hurt. The need to want to cry. They were over-shadowed though. By all the good times. All the making up. All the things that gave her a shiver down her spine. He was special. Why did she try to doubt it? Why did she fight it?
She knew why, She felt guilty for it. Missing him wasn't allowed. Yet she missed him, every second he was gone. She lay awake thinking about it. She went through her day thinking about it. She sat at her computer, writing about how she missed him.