Back to basics :)

Published on September 17, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Life Journals

My life is turning its self upside down and I feel like I have very little control over it. That's what bothers me the most. No control. I hate to think that I am not at the steering wheel, controling what direction I go in. When you make decisions that your heart isn't in, you go into auto-pilot. Like you want to do these things, but you don't actually want to live through doing them. So you somehow turn yourself off and just carry on through life till your head allows you to follow your heart again. My life so far has been one long waste of time. Only a waste of time in the things I have achieved, because they are one big fat nothing. I mean I went to college, I did that and got good (ish) grades. I worked for my Uncle for a while, which was more of a time filler than an actual defining moment of my life. I have friends now that are starting on their careers, they know what they want, they know what they are going to achieve, and then there's me. Little old me. Hmm, where will I be in ten years time? Will I have a career, a family, will I still be just sailing through life, with no worries, and no ambition. Will I have had that kick up the arse dealt to me that I am so in need of. I start Uni next week. Does it all make sense now? Uni, dedicating three years of my life, to something I don't even believe in. Dedicating time and effort to something I will be on auto-pilot all the way through. I use the word dedicated, but considering all them things, will I actually be dedicated? Or is this another chapter of my life, that instead of giving me the drive and ambition I hope it will, it will just be another failure. Something else that will go down on paper, but really mean nothing at all. My A-levels mean nothing. That was two years. I got worthy grades, but they weren't life changing. That experience had no profound effect. So what will? I'm scared.

To other news, my sisters. I feel like cinderella at the moment. Hehe. I hope my sister reads that, I'll get an ass kicking for that. My sisters in their only little ways are annoying the hell out of me at the moment. Katy, I think I'm being to hard on her at the moment and I feel bad for it. All my moods I am taking out on her, and she reacts to them, and they just blow out of all proportion, and it sucks. Because I love her to pieces. She's wicked, I just feel like she only sees me because she wants me to look after Maddy Mae. Don't get me wrong I love my chicken to pieces. Looking after Maddy is not a chore in the least. I just wish that I didn't think that is all Katy wanted me for, I'm sure it's not, but I don't know. Then there is my other sister. Anne-Lousie. What can I say? She is still a nightmare, a nightmare I have as little contact with as possible, but when we do speak, we are ok with each other, so I guess that is an improvement. I still haven't forgiven her, but I'm working on it. She's got herself a new boyfriend. He's seventeen. For those of you who don't know my sister is thirty two. Nice, huh. She thinks it's great. I told her she was old enough to be his Mother, that seemed to wipe the smile on her face.

This weekend should be a good weekend. I had a chilled one last weekend, because of all the stuff with the Christening, I was really tired. I'm babysitting Maddy Mae tonight, and tomorrow I might go out. I've lost the urge to go out to a club though, so I might just go to the cinema with some friends, and keep it nice and simple. Then on Sunday I'm going to figure out my great escape, run away and join a circus so should be fun packed! I'm loved up at the moment. How can some people be so wonderful, when you don't really think you deserve it? How can someone have such an impact on you and you want to scream from the rooftops about it? The lovely boy, who rocks my world, makes nothing else matter

Have a good weekend folks, hope you have lotsa fun xxxx

Comments

DylanZimmerman

on Sep 17, 2004

Sal, you are so frustrating! Only cryptic hints about this new man in your life..I can't stand it! You must give me details!!You must!!

As for uni, etc, I must confess it's something I regret not doing, I think if I finished school and went to university (and I could've because my grades were good until I ..um, dropped out)maybe I'd have more direction in my life, something to do yknow? Also, I really do miss learning, being taught things..the whole educational environment thing. I think its a good opportunity for you to meet new people and figure out who you are and where youre going..and party! Oh..you might have to do some work though...What are you studying honey?There is some merit in just getting a job and working your ass off for a few years- it can be rewarding, getting to grips with the big bad world at a young age. But then again, if you didn;t really enjoy working with your uncle, maybe university is the best path. Athough I'm sure there are plenty of jobs you'd enjoy, you just need to find out what you're good at and what you like, and maybe uni is a place you can do that...

Good to hear you and your sister are on speaking terms at least (even if you don't agree on anything!) and things are not too hectic at home..i hope?

Enjoy your weekend sweedie. Thanks again for the comment

Dyl xx

Ravenblack

on Sep 17, 2004

I feel like that sometimes, like things aren't in my control. As if I'm a storm I didn't ask for. I should be prepared and I feel like I'm not. Yeah i went to school, did all the routein and what does it all mean to me now? I seem not to be total control unlike what they told me when I was young and in school. Sometimes just can't see it and feels like a great big confusion... just hanging on here. I don't know where I am going with my life, I try to keep a positive attitude that there is some kind plan and I'll just see what comes while working on a dream. Am I gibberish? Must be the jet lag. (I think I'll use this excuse until the end of next week. heh)

Have a good weekend, Sally.

Sally jacobs

on Sep 18, 2004

Meeee??? Frustrating, never!

I understand what you mean about uni, and I think that's why it deserves the chance. I think something like that would be good for you too sweety. It's never to late you know. I'm doing English literature. Ha...laughable in its self!

Am I gibberish? Must be the jet lag

You make perfect sense. I undertsand that state of confusion, all to well. Just like me you'll find your path, it's what makes life exciting.

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