To have and too OLD

Published on September 12, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships

Is there an age on love? I mean people suggest love has its price, but does it have its age limit too. I'm not talking about being to old to fall in love, I'm talking about mixed age relationships. 17-year-old Stacey Furneaux and 64-year-old love Brian Williams married yesterday. Her parents were against it, and didn't attend. They eloped to Scotland, so she could legally marry there. So is it right or wrong, and are we really the people to decide? I have to admit, that I judged. Speaking as a young woman I can't imagine forming a relationship with someone old enough to be my grandad. What could I possibley have in common with them? I am only speaking from a personal point of view, I'm sure there must be people out there who have a maturity level that would be able to consider that, but then what about physical attraction? This girl was a pretty young woman, and he was, well an old man with a walking stick. She could do better. She could do younger. Maybe it is love, and as they say love is blind. They married for a reason right? I don't know if he has any money.....

Which brings me on to my next point. If it is love, and that's a big if. Is it fair? She has her whole life ahead of her, where as he has already lived a great deal of his. She will want a family, maybe one day. With him? Is that fair to her or the child. One day, he might leave her. Chances are he will die before she does. If he truely loved her, would he not give her chance of life herself. Would he not let her go? Use all his years of wisom, to realise that if that is true love, it will never really work. Because she will end up in heartbreak. She has already lost her family because of it. What's next?

Maybe I am just to cynical, and I should say they are just another couple, regardless of age or anything else, and should be accepted as so. I have no problems with age gaps. I just think there is a point where it gets silly, and someone of seventeen is very young. Very impressionable. I remember when I was seventeen, I didn't know my arse from my elbow, so how does this girl know he is the man for her. I mean even marrying someone of a similar age, that is very young. To marry someone that much older though. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but I can't agree with it. Good job they haven't asked me too huh.

I'd like to think love can just about get you through anything. That if you truely love someone, then you can just about get over anything. Not always the case I know, but love is the strongest emotion in my opinion. Maybe that is what that couple are proving, and I should appreciate that. Who knows.

Comments

Jay Walker

on Sep 12, 2004

It's gonna be tough for them. Unless the kid is exceptionally intelligent, she'll have trouble understanding a lot of the things that's his context, his frame of reference.

Physically, sure it's odd.

But isn't the very essense of love that you have differences and love each other in spite of them? It's hard to talk about a *soul-mate* if all you're concerned about is age, and the physical union.

Kids, sure, but how many marriages end in divorce anyway - despite the similarities - age wise - of the participants?

Still with the age differential, seems hard not to think of this as a money-oriented, trophy-wife thing. It would be nice if I was wrong on that account and it was *true love*.

JW

Sally jacobs

on Sep 12, 2004

Unless the kid is exceptionally intelligent, she'll have trouble understanding a lot of the things that's his context, his frame of reference.

They are from completely different worlds, it will take alot of work, whatever.

But isn't the very essense of love that you have differences and love each other in spite of them? It's hard to talk about a *soul-mate* if all you're concerned about is age, and the physical union.

I totally agree. We do get over such things, for true love. Do you not think this is a little extreme though?

Kids, sure, but how many marriages end in divorce anyway - despite the similarities - age wise - of the participants?

Participants, hehe, you make it sound like a gameshow! Far to many marriages end in divorce. Mostly because people know they can get out of it easily!

Still with the age differential, seems hard not to think of this as a money-oriented, trophy-wife thing. It would be nice if I was wrong on that account and it was *true love*.

I agree, and yes it would be nice!

Thanks for the comment x

Texas Wahine

on Sep 12, 2004

I think it's strange, but maybe it seems different to other people . . . my husband's father was married and divorced and married and widowed with a total of three kids when he met my husband's mother. He was in his 50s and she was 18. Icky.

But they love each other in their own way, and are very happy together. When my husband's mom gave birth to him, one of his half-brothers was older than my husband's mom.

My hubby thinks it was gross of his dad to marry an 18 year old girl, but you can't argue with results and they have been happily married for going on three decades now.

I'm like you, though, Sally . . . I tend to wonder what a young girl would see in a man the age of her grandfather and what they would have in common. I also think it's a bit cruel for the children . . . whatever children they have will always have a dad with a bad back and old knees that can't run and play like other daddies. By high school graduation, dad will at least be in his mid-eighties. Whatever children they have won't be able to have an adult relationship with their father as he will either be senile or dead by the time they are adults.

I guess I'm being very negative about all this . . . surely it's not all that bad . . .

Sally jacobs

on Sep 13, 2004

My hubby thinks it was gross of his dad to marry an 18 year old girl, but you can't argue with results and they have been happily married for going on three decades now.

So it can work, but I would be the same if My Dad married someone of that age, I fear I would go bac into child mode, and have a tantrum, hehe!

I tend to wonder what a young girl would see in a man the age of her grandfather and what they would have in common.

Ditto. If I compare it to my Grandad, I love spending time with him, I have alot to learn from him, but there is just so little common ground there, I don't see how it is possible!

I also think it's a bit cruel for the children . . . whatever children they have will always have a dad with a bad back and old knees that can't run and play like other daddies

Exactly, how will she cope on her own, doing all that stuff. He may have alot to offer that other Dads won't, but they will also miss out on a hell of alot.

I guess I'm being very negative about all this . . . surely it's not all that bad . . .

I think I am the same, but I'm finding it impossible to find positives! Thanks for commenting hunny xxx

Jay Walker

on Sep 13, 2004

I also think it's a bit cruel for the children . . . whatever children they have will always have a dad with a bad back and old knees that can't run and play like other daddies. By high school graduation, dad will at least be in his mid-eighties. Whatever children they have won't be able to have an adult relationship with their father as he will either be senile or dead by the time they are adults.

One the the huge advantages that I've heard about older parents in general, is that they tend to be more patient, and they have more time for people in general, and their own kids in particular. They've gone through the "career building" phase, they've seen a lot of stuff.

Have you ever noticed that old(er) people rarely seem to get passionate about something AT the expense of someone else's feelings? They generally don't - they consider people first.

My dad's father was in his 50s when he had my dad, and my dad tells a story about a friend of his who was raised by his grandparents - thought it was fabulous. Me, I'd have loved to been raised by my maternal grandparents.

I think things like these are far more than offsetting to not playing ball with the kid once a week.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.

JW

Texas Wahine

on Sep 13, 2004

Jay: I'm sure you are right. There are upsides and downsides to it all. I tend to be a bit biased as I had my children young and absolutely adore being young enough to be silly and chase them around and such.

One the the huge advantages that I've heard about older parents in general, is that they tend to be more patient

I think you're probably right about that. They have more emotional stability and patience because of their vast life experience. Older people do tend to be more "mellow."

They've gone through the "career building" phase, they've seen a lot of stuff.

That's another good point. They will likely be more financially prepared, and possibly have more free time due to the flexibility gained from an established career.

I really spoke from a point of ignorance because I do not have any experience with being or having a much older parent. I can now see some benefits from both sides. Thanks, Jay.

Jay Walker

on Sep 13, 2004

See - I personally had more of your perspective when I was young. My 16 year old mom got married to my 22 year old dad. She was 17 when my older brother was born, 19 when she had me, and had a family of four by the time she was 23.

So there were some good things with her being that young - but I think if my parents had been a lot older, there would have been equally good things that would have come with that too.

JW

The Crusaders

on Sep 13, 2004

That's a tough one isn't it......Is it love...or an impressionable girl who simply wants to love and be loved...
They may have strong feelings for each other as individuals....but did it need to be taken to the next level.....could they not simply be close friends and companions in life without feeling the need to give all to each other...?
Hmmm..I guess it's not for us to judge but for these people to find out on their own whether the right choice was made....

TheCassMan

on Sep 14, 2004

Could it be that because we live in an age where divorce is easier than getting a home loan that we don’t see marriage as the long term commitment it used to be?

Sally jacobs

on Sep 14, 2004

There a pluses, aswel as negatives. It's more about the amount of time they have to enjoy that childhood. Not as long as a young parent.

So there were some good things with her being that young - but I think if my parents had been a lot older, there would have been equally good things that would have come with that too.

I totally agree. No matter what there will be pluses.

Is it love...or an impressionable girl who simply wants to love and be loved

I hope it's love...I'm just cynical!

Could it be that because we live in an age where divorce is easier than getting a home loan that we don’t see marriage as the long term commitment it used to be?

Defo, which is very sad! Marriage doesn't mean as much anymore, because getting out of it is so easy!

The Crusaders

on Sep 14, 2004

Sally,

Marriage doesn't mean as much anymore, because getting out of it is so easy!

Myself and my partner have been together for almost twelve years.....and we're not married......we are happy how things are and getting married would not be for us...but for the impression we give the outside world in a superficial sense......

I don't think it makes it harder to stay together ...I don't think it makes it easier either.....you're together, married or not, and it can be hard to coexist on such and intimate level at times but there is also such joy and love.

Perhaps it is a little too easy for people to get married athe drop of a hat...and also too easy to divorce as quickly.....

But who can be the judge of that...???

Sally jacobs

on Sep 15, 2004

Myself and my partner have been together for almost twelve years.....and we're not married......we are happy how things are and getting married would not be for us

I don't think you need to be married to show you love each other. Why do you need a piece of paper to say that?

you're together, married or not, and it can be hard to coexist on such and intimate level at times but there is also such joy and love

I agree totally. I just think marriage can be taken on way to lightly. In my opinion when you marry, you go into it forever.

The Crusaders

on Sep 17, 2004

Sally,

I don't think you need to be married to show you love each other. Why do you need a piece of paper to say that?

I have said that exact sentence before....I think millions of others would have too...

Love is such a strong emotion that it can hurt even when everything is in its place...and also when things are not. Love is a many faced emotion compared to Anger....if you're angry you know you're angry and it takes you to a definate place....but Love.....love is unpredictable....it is Up ..it is Down.....it is Happy it is Sad.....it is Broken it is Whole.....
Maybe that is why there are so many people hanging onto their anger...because at least they know where they are....it makes them feel strong and wilful.....They wont open the door to heartbreak when it comes knocking....hell...they've tucked themselves away so deeply in their darkness ...that love wont even find them in the first place...theres no chance of them getting hurt by Love......

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