I am very self aware. Maybe to much sometimes. I know I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, and I wouldn't want to be, that's the truth. To be perfect would mean I wouldn't have what people consider to be my bad points. Them bad points make me who I am, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy arguments, I see them as a form of debating, and I find it good fun. I am very opinionated, I just about have an opinion on everything, and it can get very tedious. I'm moody. I'm very stubborn, once I get an idea in my head about something, it takes alot to shift it. I talk far to much (also known as waffle). Now I don't see these things as bad things really, more of just little quirks. That make me, me, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't have these things. Now to the point of my blog. Forgiveness. I find it just about impossible to forgive people. I know this isn't something I should be proud of, but that's just the way it is. If someone does me wrong forgiveness is a tough thing for me to give them. Now I'm not talking about petty little arguments. It takes alot for me to reach that stage with people, and I can honestly say that there are about two people in the world that don't have my forgiveness at this moment in time. I don't waste my time hating them, or anything like that. I just find their actions towards me unforgivable, and would be happier with them out of my life than in it.
I have so much respect for people who can forgive. I really do, it takes a much bigger person than me to do that. To forgive someone for breaking your trust or whatever takes alot. I think it's all to do with my stubborness. I really do. I can't simply forgive someone and forget all about it. It is still their in my head. Even people who have had my forgiveness I still remember what they did to me, and this effects the way I am with them. I would like to be able to move on, but something in me stops me from being able to. It's like I have this defence mechanism, that tells me theres a chance I'll get hurt again, and it disallows me to be the same with them. For people to earn my trust in the first place takes alot, and for them then to break it, just makes it worse.
I've being thinking about some scenario's for this. If I had a boyfriend, and I caught him cheating on me with my best friend. That to me, as I'm sure it is for many people is an unforgivable act from both parties. However I'm sure there are people out there who have forgiven this. As this has never happened to me, I don't know for sure how I would act, I can only presume I wouldn't forgive either of them. After thinking about this for a while though I realised I would be probably more likely to forgive the boyfriend than I would my best friend. Which is really bad, but if I was totally honest I probably would. You see my best friend would have had so much more trust than the boyfriend in the first place. The only level of our relationship would be our friendship, where as with the blokey there would be many different levels. I probably wouldn't forgive either, but maybe I could later have a friendship with the bloke, but the friend would be gone.
I was thinking if someone hurt someone I love. That to me is also unforgivable. My sister had a boyfriend who cheated on her, and she has since forgiven him, but I haven't. I know it's not my place to forgive him, but he hurt her. I was there all the times she cried over his sorry ass. I watched her question herself. I saw how much she cared about him, and then he did that, I'm sorry I can't forgive that.
I realise that I'm wrong about all this. You don't have to tell me, I know. To not forgive will just end up consuming you, and making the act that was commited against you that much worse. Plus we all need to recieve forgiveness at some point. As humans we are not perfect, we make mistakes, and it doesn't make us bad people. Maybe it's just about seeing the positives rather than the negatives. I hope I can learn to be more forgiving, because I will be the only one losing out.