"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood."
Published on July 3, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships
I want to keep this as light hearted as possible, as my head hurts due to far to much thinking, hmm. This article has several issues I'd like to cover really but I think I should keep to one and maybe cover the others at a later date, look I'm making no sense already! Grrr....ok, my question is why do we change? I'd like to think that I have a strong character that I wouldn't change for anyone, that I'm secure in my own opinions and beliefs that I wouldn't change, but that makes me small minded doesn't it? I mean I should be able to take them on and let them evolve me and make me change, and give me a wider knowledge, and that does happen, but what I'm talking about is people changing your behaviour, and the way you are as a person.

Here's an example, my friend, she's probably the most strong willed opinionated person I know. I have huge amounts of respect for her, due to her ability to live her life the way she wants to, and not listening to people when they try to dictate to her, she does her own thing, and I like that. Recently she's started seeing a blokey, and he's lovely, he's making her happy, so it's all good. This is the first time I've seen her truely settle with a blokey, and it is really nice to see. BUT, he's changing her, slowly but surely, he's moulding her, not into a completely different person, but just little things, that shoud be insignificant, she does for him. Things she might not usually do, she does just to keep him happy. Now she loves him, he loves her, so why not do things to make that happy, and I'm not even saying it doesn't work both ways. Should she change though, should she bend to his rules, and live life the way he wants, even if it doesn't have that huge impact on her as a person, is she not losing part of herself by doing that. I don't know if I'm just pig headed, and burying my head in the sand, not that I'm not guilty of this behaviour, but more on that later.

I have friends that do it too, you spend alot of time with someone, and you pick up little things they do or say, I guess it's just human nature, that the more we hear something, the more we repeat it, and so on. Is this just changing us into better people, or is it changing who we really are. Do we ever know who we really are? I fear as with everything in my life I'm looking far to deeply into this. I can't expect us just to stay the same, where would that get us? Not very far. We do need to change, to progress as people, to learn, we do need to change. It's the reasons we change that bothers me, to please others? That isn't a good reason, but what if pleasing others means that it pleases us to, is that a good reason? I have lots of questions but no answers. I know that certain people have changed me, and I like the person I am now, I prefer that person, I've learned and grown, and I hope that I have alot more growing to do. Did I take the easy way out though, did I change to please other instead of doing it for myself, and therefore, right now am I not being true to myself? I'm sorry, I fear none of this makes any sense, but it's nice to get it out. *sigh of relief*

Comments
on Jul 03, 2004
Now she loves him, he loves her, so why not do things to make that happy, and I'm not even saying it doesn't work both ways. Should she change though, should she bend to his rules, and live life the way he wants, even if it doesn't have that huge impact on her as a person, is she not losing part of herself by doing that. I don't know if I'm just pig headed, and burying my head in the sand, not that I'm not guilty of this behaviour, but more on that later.



If it's working both ways, then that's pretty much normal for a relationship....compromise, give and take, bending a little here so the other person will bend a little there....(and yes, I know that sounds a little risque, but you'll all just have to live with it! ). However, if she's the one doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking--if she is the only one compromising and changing--then I would consider it to be a problem.

on Jul 04, 2004
If it's working both ways, then that's pretty much normal for a relationship....compromise, give and take, bending a little here so the other person will bend a little there....(and yes, I know that sounds a little risque, but you'll all just have to live with it!


Hehe! I know give and take, and I'm sure if asked he would do the same things for her, I think I was just wanting a good whinge really. I just think theres a point where it's not actually bending, it's trying to snap someone in half! Thanks for the comment though!
on Jul 04, 2004
I just think theres a point where it's not actually bending, it's trying to snap someone in half


I totally agree with you there....it's all a matter of degree, and you'd be in a better position to know that than I would.
on Jul 04, 2004
it's all a matter of degree, and you'd be in a better position to know that than I would


Yeh I think at the moment it is balanced, I'm just being over protective maybe, thanks for the comments though poetmom
on Jul 04, 2004
Hmm your friend reminds me of dave with kia. Maybe he is changing her, or maybe the change is just natural, a part of growing up. People do change you, they affect your opinions and your perspective, just generally how you think about things, but only if you choose to let them. I think its mostly a positive thing, and your friend doesn't sound like the kind of person who's easily manipulated at all, so i wouldn't worry about her too much!!

As for yourself, if a change feels right for you, then you're being true to yourself. YOu can change and grow as a person etc and still maintain your integrity!! You will always be you, Sal, wonderful as you are, although some of your ideas or opinions etc may change. I think it's all just part of growing up honey!!

Thanks for the comment too!! Love is hell, huh?

Love Dyl xx
on Jul 04, 2004
You will always be you, Sal, wonderful as you are


There's a core part of us that never changes, I think. We're all good people, deep down, and we can be happy with who we are. I think change occurs because of growth, but it's only our outlook and perceptions that really change. It's not worth trying to change to please other people, or to try to get others to like us, cuz we just end up playing a false role, which always distorts or cracks at the end of the day.

I believe we all have a heart of gold, deep down. How much we are in touch with that heart might depend on our outlook, our perceptions, or our personal beliefs. I think we're all spiritual beings, and life is a beautiful journey. That's something that can't change, which is nice, really.
on Jul 04, 2004
Awwww Andy, that got an insightful! How true is all of what you just said! It is just a journey that we pick up things on the way, and we are just growing as people. Though changing for other is just holding us back on this path I feel!
on Jul 04, 2004
I remember when I first broke up with my last ex… I changed heaps, and not for the better…

I just became a cynical jaded mofo, and it wasn’t good for anyone concerned… When our emotions are factored, it’s quite easy for people to change, because of all the chemicals induced by love…

This brief change was just a defence mechanism brought along by the pain I was feeling, so it was only temporary, but it’s easy to see how life changing events can change who we are in life…

Your friends change is an offense mechanism... she is just making sure she is in the best possible position to be happy...

I would say I am abetter and more considerate person now that I was before or whilst I was with her… and while I hope she dies a painful, painful death (in 60 years or something) I thank her for making me realise and embrace who I am!

Anywho… thanks for listening

BAM!!!
on Jul 05, 2004
Bloggers are a bit weird.
on Jul 05, 2004

I hope she dies a painful, painful death


???

I thank her for making me realise and embrace who I am!


Even good comes from bad experiences. Interesting blog dude.

because of all the chemicals induced by love…


What is love, anyway? Or has that already discussed?

on Jul 05, 2004
Mugz, I guess this is relating to that poem you wrote not so long ago, I already commented on that and I stand by what I said, you learnt from it and that's what counts. I guess we all change at some points, at least your changes didn't stay with you, and you made a bad experience change you into a better person!

What is love, anyway? Or has that already discussed?


Someone can tell me if they like...
on Jul 05, 2004
Hmmmm....don't think I don't know who you are, and if bloggers are weird, you must kinda like that huh
on Jul 09, 2004
Let Mugz explain what love is...He's a good explainer...hehe