You Can't Be Friends With A Married Man?

Published on September 27, 2006 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships

Are men and women capable of friendship? A friendship that is purely based on a mutual respect and likeness. Nothing at all is sexually orientated, and it is completely innocent. It isn't because they are interested in exchanging bodily fluids with each other. They don't want to have kids, and make a life together. They are just simply friends, and that is it. Why does that appear to be such a problem for people to believe. I have a friend who is male, and he firmly believes that men and women can't be just friends. That there is some sexual chemistry there that we can't get away from. That in order for a man and woman to persue a friendship there has to be some kind of sexual attraction. Which maybe should make me question my friendship with him. Hmmm.

You can't help who you are attracted too. You can control how you react and deal with that attraction, but the actual attraction you have no control over at all. I rarely meet people I am attracted too. Maybe I am fussy, I don't know. For me, I need to have an attraction to there personality before I can be attracted to them physically. Which I know doesn't really make sense, but let me explain. Like any other person, I can go out, and I can see someone who is attractive to look at, and I can acknowledge that. For me though, that isn't attraction. To then go on to speak to that person, and find elements of their personality attractive would be for me the point where I thought, "yeah I am attracted to this person".

Now there is also a difference between liking someone, and being attracted to them. You can like someone, but that doesn't mean that you absolutely click with them. I rarely meet people I click with, which is a good thing, as it means I appreciate it when I do. When I do meet someone that I click with, and even if there is a level of attraction there, it still doesn't mean you have to act upon it. You can follow you heart so far, but sometimes you head needs to take over and weigh things up for you, and decide what is right and wrong for you. Like everything in life, it all takes balance.

So after that all waffle, I imagine you are all sat there, scratching your heads, wondering what the hell this blog is about. Well I shall tell you. I met a bloke at work. Nice guy, and I like him. You could say I clicked with him. Nothing wrong with that right? I'm not attracted to him, and nothing will ever happen, and he is a married man. Which is fine, I don't see anything wrong with getting along with him at all. Except the fact, that we get along, hasn't gone unnoticed and it has made a few people make playful comments, which at first was ok. Except I feel that it may be going a little to far.

You see fellow workers have started making comments that he is interested in me, and that it is completely obvious, and how have the little sherlocks reached this conclusion? Well.....because we get on with each other, duh! Of course, silly me. The moment that a man and woman get along, and enjoy each others company, that automatically means that you want to have sex with each other. I'm afraid my world doesn't work like that. Work isn't always fun, that's why it is called 'work' and not 'fun' so when you meet someone that makes your days go a little quicker, I don't see the problem with taking full advantage of that. Obviously other people do, and in all honesty it has made me want to back off this friendship a little, but I am not sure that is the right thing to do, when I'm not actually doing anything wrong. What do you think JU?

Comments

momijiki

on Sep 27, 2006

Maybe they see something you don't? Dunno.

Caracarn1

on Sep 27, 2006

It was like that when I first started working at this job. A married woman and myself (she sits next to me) talked a bit and had some good conversations.

However, now things have turned and she really really presses and hints that we should be doing "other things". And SHE is the married one.

It is weird how one can lead to the other so fast, I never led her on, I don't even find her attractive, but she lays it on thick. Talking about how we should sneak down to training rooms and whatnot.

I am not a fan of cheating and like I said, I don't find her attractive so it is not really a problem for me. But get this, her husband works at the same company!

Zoomba

on Sep 27, 2006

I think it is possible for people to be friends (and just friends, nothing more) with members of the opposite sex. I think it's rare for it to happen without there being the attraction, but I do believe it is possible. I myself have several women friends with whom I'm very close to, where there is no issue of attraction etc. It's also possible with married folks, so long as the associated spouses aren't the jealous types.

Unfortunately, everyone else seems to like to perpetuate this myth that simple friendship isn't possible, that there HAS to be something more there.

Locamama

on Sep 27, 2006

I think you can be just friends. I do think it's easy to slip into something more if you aren't careful. It's one thing to chat with someone at work and another to have lunches by yourselves, constant phone calls etc. I am friendly with several men that I will chat with etc. but I would never call them to go to a movie or out to dinner or something like that.

Tova7

on Sep 27, 2006

I'm going out on a limb here. No you probably shouldn't be friends with this guy for this very reaon....

IT may not be "fair" it may not be "right" but that IS reality. If they are talking at work it won't be long before your new friend's wife hears about this. Do you think that will be good for his marriage? And what if his wife demands he stops his friendship with you? Do you really want this guy fighting with the love of his life about you?

See my point?

There is one way a single woman can be friends (and when I say friends I mean an actual friendship, not just an occasional chat at work) with a married man. By being friends with BOTH the man and the wife.

Actually this usually happens naturally because real friendships extend outside work and you'd be meeting the wife that way. And if she didn't like you, well you'd know it by how he responds to you pretty quick.

It can be a sticky situation. If you really wanna be friends with this guy, ask to meet his wife...so when she hears "Sally this, and Sally that." She can shrug and say, "Yeah I know." Heh.

Good luck.

jennifer1

on Sep 27, 2006

Hey Sally welcome back, I have missed reading your blogs every day!

I have had plenty "platonic" friendships with men, very succesful ones that have had no incidences of attraction problems arising between us.

Tova has a point though, as unfair as it is, it could cause him problems in his marraige, and you problems at work.

Unfortunately people love a good reason to gossip, even if it amounts to a form of harrassment with all the innuendo. The people at work are doing just that having a good gossip at your expense and you must nip it in the bud and clear the air. The two of you can do this together or separately.

I would suggest you meet his wife and if she has no problem with the friendship then be friends otherwise for all concerned end the friendship and reduce it to a mere acquaintanceship (spelling.

Good to have you back and writing again!

foreverserenity

on Sep 30, 2006

It will cause a problem in his marriage if it is insecure. If as a couple they don't interact and if the wife is the jealous type.

I understand what you're saying Tonya and you do have a good point.

I also agree that the friendship could go elsewhere but only if both are up to that. Possibly even just one of them, as in Caracan's case.

But having had the shoe on the other foot, I do understand the friendship and if you have no intention of anything further, and you dont' seem to, I wouldn't let what the coworkers say bother you. Perhaps they've been there and been up to no good.

The thing is how you feel, and also you being aware of how he really doesn't feel, if you get what I'm saying. I.E. is it just a hang out chatting for him, or does he see more? Does flirting goes on? or is it just good conversation. Does he complain about his marriage, his wife. If not then you're ok, if he does, then I would say tread cautiously.

Stuff like that have gone on in many offices, in fact there is something like that going on in a neighboring office and that's sad.

If there's nothing outside of work, and there shouldn't be unless it's a group affair or if the friendship is strong,it involves the wife. But even then caution because you could be seen as competition and if I was the wife I would wonder too, especially if there's problem in the relationship. I say just keep it at the level its at and no going out and you should be fine. Otherwise if it bothers you that much what others say, be busy when he comes around to chat and he'll eventually get the message.

dynamaso

on Oct 03, 2006

First of all, I'm so pleased to see you back. I missed you...

As a man who has had a lot of close female friends over the years, I have to say not only is it possible but in a lot of instances, friendships such as these are far more rewarding than friendships with those of the same sex.

I have to disagree with some of the comments here which state you shouldn't encourage this friendship. If the gossips want to carry on, let them. Liking someone for who they are, the conversation they give and the ideals they share with you is normal. I think a lot of people are so insecure in themselves when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex, they don't or can't trust themselves.

So long as you maintain the perspective you have and make sure your friend has the same attitude, I say ignore the gossiping. People like that will soon tire if you don't react and move on to something else. Of course, if you're feeling uncomfortable about this, talk to your friend and see if you can arrange to get together with him and his wife. If he hedges around this, then obviously he is not being honest about his feelings with you. Then you have a clear impression and can make the right decision about your friendship.

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