Why Do You Hate Me?

Published on August 25, 2006 By Sally jacobs In Home & Family

Why do you hate me?

These are the words that I were faced with from my eldest sister, after a rather traumatic few days where I just ended up losing my temper with her, and unfortunately I just let rip. Since I was 16 we haven't had a good relationship, over the years we have just distanced ourselves from each other. Well I have distanced myself from her. I never thought that she really noticed. We see each other about once a week when she is visiting my folks, and I kind of just put up with her, she doesn't bug me and I don't bug her. This is all after a long process of our relationship breaking down, and it is now far beyond repair. I just don't want her in my life. That decision is made, done, and I won't be going back on it. I feel guilty about it now and again, but I feel my feelings are justified on it, and I don't want to have a relationship with her. Unfortunately when it comes to family, sometimes cutting someone out of your life isn't exactly easy. So there are times when we are forced into situations which we just don't want to be in.

For a week she stayed at my folks house, due to some work she was having done at her place, and the fact she was upset and blah, blah....so I was faced with her every single day. I managed alright for the first few days, but as time went on she just wound me up more and more. My sister is 34 years old, and she acts like a 12 year old, at best. She just seems to be incapable of doing anything for herself. She stayed here for a week, and all she did was sit in a chair for a week, and do nothing, and then moan about how boring life is. I mean what the hell is that about? If you're bored get off your arse and do something about it. You can't expect someone else to keep you occupied all the time. Life doesn't work like that, especially when you're an adult.

Now as I mentioned, her and I don't really speak. We grunt in each others directions at best. A few days into her stay I asked her how long she was staying. This was something she took great offense to, and what started our mini war. She informed me it was nothing to do with me, as I never bothered with her anyway. Fair point, it was still only an innocent question though, that just required an adult response. Now I hold my hands up, and admit that I snapped far to quickly, and was a little extreme in the argument that followed. I am always guilty of having over reactions, because I let things bubble up, and then explode. So her and I had an exchange of words, that lead to some home truths getting said. Which basically ended with her asking me why I hated her so much. *sigh*

For the record, I don't hate my sister. I love her very much. She is my sister, and I do remember all the times she looked after me as a kid, and how cool I thought she was. I remember all that, and look back at it fondly. My sister has got away with alot of things because I love her. This is how I know that I love her. I just don't like her very much. In fact, I don't like her at all. We are extremely different. She has made decisions in life that I don't agree with, she has done things that I disagree with, and she has acted in ways that have made me dislike her. Some things she has done I will never forgive. It is as simple as that. Which doesn't make me a great person, but that's just how it is. I know in years to come, if I have children, I do not want them to have a relationship with her. Sounds terrible, right? It's just the way I feel and I stand by it. However, I do not hate her. Hate takes alot of effort. More than I am willing to give to this situation. I told her I didn't hate her. I don't think she believed me. Which makes me sad, but I guess that's the price I pay for my decisions.

I used to hope that one day her and I would be able to build a relationship again. Maybe when I had worked through my anger with the whole situation. I just don't see that day coming, and I know the more faith I put in the situation, the more open I am to getting hurt again. My sister can be a really decent person, and she has a good heart. That's on a good day though. At other times she would give the devil a run for his money. There are only so many times you can forgive someone, before you start to realise that it is going nowhere. My sister doesn't help herself, and she doesn't think about anyone else, but herself. She maybe my sister, but that doesn't mean I have to like her. I don't hate her either though.

Comments

Moderateman

on Aug 25, 2006

My brother and I have a feud dating back to 1964 when I decided to go fight in the Vietnam war. He was a war protester and I never forgave him for that. 35 years later we managed to start over as brothers again, soon that grew into a friendship, something I never thought would happen.

Some of the repair started when My wife colleen called him and said "if you want to say goodbye to your brother, now would be the time to do it". In 2002 through 2003 it did not look like I was going to make it. Through the grace of GOD I did.

Time might put you and your sister back together, never give up on family!

DylanZimmerman

on Aug 25, 2006

Oh, honey, I feel terrible reading this. It's clear your sister is someone you don't want in your life, and I can see why. I guess you would never want to associate with such a person if she wasn't your sister.

It seems like she's one of those people who has a self destuct button built in and just can't resist pushing it (and pushing everyone else's buttons at the same time) - kinda like me. She reminds me of me quite a lot actually, sitting around doing nothing then complaining she's bored. Your sister had drug problems too didn't she? I don't know if there's a label for these kind of personalities- but I do understand that we're hellish to live with.

I know how hard it is when people you love hurt you (and more often than not, they hurt you by hurting themselves, whether it be thru drugs, or self neglect or just plain old apathy) and I know what it is to do the hurting. Far be it for me to get on my high horse and preach forgiveness, because I know I wouldn't forgive myself for how I've hurt people who love me.

Family isn't something I really get to be honest, not seeing much of mine, and them being so scattered and all. But I do understand bonds, blood or otherwise, and I admire sticking by someone no matter how hard they try your patience. When you love someone, you don't leave them, even if you hate them (please disregard the fact that that is actually a quote from "psycho", it just seemed pertinant ). I know you said you don't hate your sister. I know you love her, but hate, remember, isn't the opposite of love, love and hate are more like sleep and death- brothers, or sisters, rather. If your sister is intelligent, she should realise that your indifference would be a far, far worse thing than your hatred.

I know it seems pretty hopeless now, and if she's causing you a lot of distress (which is sounds like she is)it's probably in the interests of your own sanity to let her go, as you have tried to do.

But as Elie said, time might bridge the gap, and family, I'm sure, is a precious thing. I hope one day the hurt'll heal and you guys can figure something out, maybe when your sister has come around and can see what a wonderful sister she could lose forever.

Take care of yourself,

all my love,

Dyl xx

Sally jacobs

on Aug 26, 2006

I guess sometimes it takes a shock like that for it to actually hit home just what is important. I am glad the two of you got the chance at a relationship. Thanks for sharing that Mod x

Dyl - Thanks so much for that comment honey, I have really missed you! I know that you inderstand this situation, because you have seen it first hand. I just don't think that my sister realises that my anger is due to her behaviour. She just thinks that it is down to me, and a bad attitude that I have. We have never really sat down and talked about what my issues are, and I haven't forced that because I really don't want to. It is thats simple. There are things that went on that are just to painful to talk about, and I believe they would just make our relationship even worse. Maybe one day things will turn around, but for the moment I just need her out of my life. Take care of you Dyl x

Sally jacobs

on Aug 28, 2006

Too bad we can't choose our family like we choose our friends, hmm?

Agreed

dynamaso

on Aug 28, 2006

I am the eldest of five children. Two of my brothers don't speak to each other. They won't even speak about each other. One of them (and his family) won't speak to my parents either. It is really sad as they used to be close. It has driven a wedge in my otherwise close family. My parents tear-up just about every time they speak about this. It has been going on now for 8 years and I don't think it will ever end. But as I've said to my folks, life is just too short to worry about this as the more you worry, the worse you will feel. It is better to get on, live your life and let them sort their own shit out.

I don't know much about you and your sister's relationship beyond what you've said here, Sally, but I agree with you. If you don't get on with her, then don't try. It is pointless. Her reaction to your question, for instance, is primarily a child's reaction, as you suggested.

Why is it some assume disagreements mean you hate them? If I'd been in your situation, I probably would have said "I don't hate you. That requires effort I am not prepared to give you."

Tiffany

on Aug 29, 2006

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH BECAUSE I 'M NOT SPEAKING TO MY SISTER AT THE MOMENT EITHER. SHE IS A HARDWORKING LOVABLE PERSON BUT SHE CAN ALSO BE OVERLY CRITICAL AND HARSH TOO. I CAN'T STAND HER AND SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I HATE HER TOO. I TRY HARD TO HIDE THAT FEELING BUT NOW I'M THROUGH. HER REASON FOR NOT SPEAKING TO ME IS BECAUSE I HANG OUT WITH A GIRL THAT I'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH FOR 14 YEARS AND SO DID SHE AT ONE POINT. BUT SHE FEEL LIKE MY FRIENDS IS TRYING TO REPLACE. (JEALOUSLY!)NOW THAT SHE GOT HER OWN PLACE SHE'S DRILL SERGEANT NOW. SHE HAS NO REASON TO NOT SPEAK TO MY FRIEND AND YESTERDAY I CALLED HER TO CLEAR THE AIR BETWEEN US ONLY FOR IT TO EXPLODE AGAIN. AS SOON AS I MENTION HER FIANCE'S NAME IT WAS A WRAP. SHE GETS DEFENSIVE IF YOU TALK ABOUT HER FIANCE WHO IS ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD WITH A SLIPPED DISK AND A CDL WHO COLLECTS FOOD STAMPS AND DOESN'T WANT TO WORK. THAT'S WHO SHE WANTS TO MARRY NEXT YEAR. BUT THE BEST THING TO DO IS JUST LEAVE IT IN GOD'S HANDS. IF SHE WANTS TO PATCH THINGS UP LET HER BE THE ONE TO CALL YOU.

SanChonino

on Aug 29, 2006

Oh honey . . . I'm sorry. I know how bad it sucks to have familial strifes . . . like whip said, it's a shame we can't change them like we do our friends . . .

I hope things eventually get better, even though it's looking really bad. It'll probably be many, many years into the future, but here's to hoping.

With lots of hugs, even accross the pond . . .

(((((((((((((((((((((((Gina))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love ya babes.

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