I Bite - Watch Out Boys!

Published on August 8, 2006 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships

Well it is official folks....I am evil. There is some chemical reaction that is currently going on in my tiny mind that is making me into a two headed evil monster, and it ain't pretty. I'm even scaring myself. For a while now (so you can't blame it on what men usually blame womens moods on) I have noticed my behaviour, and moods becoming worse and worse, and my poor, poor fella seems to be at the recieving end of these mood swings. To be fair to him he does take them on the chin bless him, but that doesn't get away from the fact that I am....evil! No matter what he does or what he says, I find some fault in it. He could say something really adorable to me, and somewhere along the line I would still manage to bite his head off, chew it up, and spit it out. Long gone is the mild mannered, sweet, me. Well I was never mild mannered, or sweet come to think of it....but I did resemble something nice (ish). Now I don't even have logic to cling on to, even that has up and left me. I am just a mad, insane, horrible woman.

You know what makes this behaviour even worse? If you asked my fella about it, he would disagree with me completely. He would tell everyone how lovely and nice I am. It just simply isn't true though. I even mentioned to him that one of my friends had told me that I was going to have to be nicer to him. Otherwise he would simply get sick of me. When I told him, you know what his reaction to it was? He got mad with my friend. How dare they say I need to be nicer (even though me thinks I do!) I am *ahem* perfect just the way I am. I don't think I am going to be getting over these words anytime soon. See how nice he is? I am starting to think that this may be part of the problem. Which would go even further to suggest that I am a silly messed up female, who simply needs to get a grip

I have two reasons for this behaviour. Two very typical, female reasons. My first one is, he is just soooooooo laid back, that it infuriates me completely. It really doesn't help that I am extremely highly strung, and I worry about just about everything, and I rant and rave about ridiculous things, and get myself completely worked up. You are lucky if you get so much as a few semi passionate words from him. Stuff just doesn't bother him. So it would seem my new goal in life is to get him bothered, and do it anyway that I can. Whatever will get a reaction, I will do it. I just push and push, until I feel that he is at a similar level of annoyance as I am. Believe me that isn't an easy task, and why the hell do I do it????? Well I will tell you why, because I feel like I have achieved something. Last night I got my biggest achievement of all. To be fair to him, he was tired, and I was a wicked witch, and I pushed and pushed until he felt he had to set me straight. Then when he was setting me straight....I went to interrupt....and he actually shouted (kinda) for me to SHUTUP AND LET HIM FINISH...woahhhh...we've never had that before. I was quite pleased with myself. I am just messed up.

The other reason is, and this one might be a little more logical, I think that I am trying to push him away, and in some ways this behaviour is testing him. Just to see how much he will take, and if he will just go running off. I'm not good with trust, and commitment and all that malarky. I need alot of time and patience, and I think a part of me is seeing if he will take it. If he goes running for the hills then he wasn't the right guy, right? But seriously, who can blame him? I am a munster! Don't worry I realise this, and after losing my temper and getting in a mood I always feel completely terrible, but that doesn't stop me from doing it again. I still get wound up over ridiculous things, and I find it absolutely impossible to hide my feelings. I just can't do it. They are there for the world to see. If I don't like you. You get to know about it. If you upset me. You get to know about it. So even if I do try and hide these things from him, they do end up exploding. I don't think he is going to put up with it much longer - can you blame him?

I guess now we know why I was single for so long! Maybe I am just meant to be on my own

Comments (Page 2)

Fella

on Aug 09, 2006

MEET PUPPET? You obviously have no idea of what being sain is so why bother?

Your not worth it...wacko!

It really is a shame that you make people actually read your dribble

Sally jacobs

on Aug 09, 2006

Other than previously described can you list negative things about him (I guess you could call them flaws)?

Honestly, there really isn't anymore than the ones I have already named. I am sure I will find them out as time goes on though!

something that, to judge by the saccharine mush you've so far posted, that you'll never be capable of. She may love you; she may even like you; but while you remain as you are she'll never respect you.

I wouldn't want him to be capable of such things though. As you know relationships can be based on many different things, and I respect him, a great deal. Just because it isn't the way you would do things doesn't mean it works any less well. I want a man to be decent to me, to be caring and he doesn't have to beat respect out of me, he will get it regardless.

Sally is a meat puppet and needs someone to give her

.....no one will be pulling anyones strings, I am more than capable of having a relationship on a equal footing, but thanks for your concern

Adventure-Dude

on Aug 09, 2006

She may love you; she may even like you; but while you remain as you are she'll never respect you.

Emp, do you associate respect with fear?

Honestly, there really isn't anymore than the ones I have already named.

Sally, this has me a bit concerned. As you know I am currently engaged. I love my fiance dearly but I also recognize that she is human and has flaws, as I do too. It seems to me that maybe you are wanting deeper intimacy (not implying intercourse). A deeper level of trust. I wonder if you are feeling that your fella is not really opening up to you. I don't know. Help me out here if I'm gettin off course.

dynamaso

on Aug 09, 2006

Sally,

From your description, you've described large aspects of my last relationship. My girlfriend at the time, a lovely girl who had some serious issues, would often 'challenge' me, pushing to see how far she could go before I'd lose my temper. She had a problem understanding how I could remain so calm in the face of her bitchiness. But over time, I realised the very thing she wanted was probably what she needed. It got so she would push me to the point where I would lose it then she would ask if I felt better. I have to say I didn't like it one little bit. I don't lose my temper often as I would rather find an amicable, peaceful solution to a problem or issue. Hell, even Toni doesn't complete understand this aspect of my personality. I think I have some issues dealing with confrontation, but that is another blog.

Her problem, and something you should think about too, is what Adventure Dude so astutely pointed out (well spotted, Dude). She had a problem coming to terms with her feeling for me, my feelings for her and everything in between. The fact that we were living together and I'd been supporting her while she was going through some other personal problems didn't seem to factor into the equation. She had been terribly hurt in the past and couldn't reconcile that I loved and cared for her and could see through the superficial bitchiness to the good person she is underneath. Even though we are no longer together, I still consider her one of my closet friends and love her dearly. She sees now what she couldn't see then. Having some distance and time to think about things, she sees our relationship as being a turning point for her. She is now in a very happy, stable relationship with a wonderful man. And she IS a good person, as are you, Sally.

Mr Fella, keep at it, mate. Fight the good fight. You won't regret it. As much as I know Sally, I know she is worth it.

Adventure-Dude

on Aug 09, 2006

is what Adventure Dude so astutely pointed out (well spotted, Dude).

Thanks mate

EmperorofIceCream

on Aug 09, 2006

To Adventure-Dude

Emp, do you associate respect with fear?

No. I associate it with rapid obedience, and a tendency to avoid whining rants such as the original post.

wouldn't want him to be capable of such things though. As you know relationships can be based on many different things, and I respect him, a great deal. Just because it isn't the way you would do things doesn't mean it works any less well. I want a man to be decent to me, to be caring and he doesn't have to beat respect out of me, he will get it regardless.

Respect him? That would be why you walk all over him in an attempt to enrage him, right?

Sally jacobs

on Aug 10, 2006

A deeper level of trust. I wonder if you are feeling that your fella is not really opening up to you. I don't know. Help me out here if I'm gettin off course.

It is early days AD, extremely early days, and I realise that trust is something that you earn over time, it doesn't just come naturally. There are differences between he and I, but that doesn't make them flaws. He is much more laid back, more social, and finds importance in different things. I am a little older than him, and preparing myself for wanting things, that I know he isn't ready for. I know all of these things, but it is to early to be judging him for them, I just want to enjoy the good things. I guess at times I am my own worst enemy. I sometimes feel that I am fighting demons inside me, it is a fear if trusting, commiting, and not wanting to get hurt. At least I am aware of these things, and at least I am trying to make them better. I don't really see what else I can do.

She had been terribly hurt in the past and couldn't reconcile that I loved and cared for her and could see through the superficial bitchiness to the good person she is underneath.

Maso, I think you might of just hit it on the head there. That is me. Thanks for sharing that, it's made me feel like there isn't only me out there who is like this. Thanks. I guess it will just take time, huh?

Mr Fella, keep at it, mate. Fight the good fight. You won't regret it. As much as I know Sally, I know she is worth it

Thanks Maso, what would I do without you *hugs*

Respect him? That would be why you walk all over him in an attempt to enrage him, right?

No, that would be why I write a blog explaining why I feel so terrible about the whole situation. That would be why I always beat myself up about it all the time. That would be why I am trying to change this behaviour. Out of respect for him. Also, there are plenty more other elements to the relationship that are not apparent in this blog, because it is only concentrating on one aspect. I am there for him when he needs me, as he is for me. We make each other laugh, and we care, and most of all respect. So just because of a fault on my part, that I am aware of, and I am trying to change, I don't respect him? You are way off the mark there my friend.

dynamaso

on Aug 10, 2006

Thanks for sharing that, it's made me feel like there isn't only me out there who is like this. Thanks. I guess it will just take time

My pleasure, Sally, I'm sure you'd do the same for me, given the opportunity. Don't ask me how I know, but I do know you are a good person who is striving to be a better person all the time. It is what attracted me to your writing in the first place. I sensed a kind of kinship as bettering myself is something I'm always trying to do.

Adventure-Dude

on Aug 10, 2006

Don't ask me how I know, but I do know you are a good person who is striving to be a better person all the time.

I agree I can sense it in her writings.

Sally jacobs

on Aug 12, 2006

Maso, Ad, Thanks both for your help and advice here, you both are really lovely blokes. Thanks again x

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