I can't have racist friends?

Published on August 6, 2006 By Sally jacobs In Life Journals

My sister and her fella went away last weekend. For a nice break to the Lake District. A nice scenic place where you get to relax, and enjoy the quiet life. There are a few little villages in the surrounding areas that you can visit, and enjoy the nice country pubs, and long walks. Sounds nice, doesn't it? My sister text me quite a few times that weekend, mostly to check up on Maddy, and make sure everything was alright. I could sense something wasn't right. Probably because she is my sister and you do generally reach the point where you get a sense about these things. Anyhow, I left her to it, and she returned home a few days later. When I asked her if she had enjoyed it, she said she had....BUT....they had ran into a little trouble.

My sisters fella is black. His Folks are from Jamaica. In places like the Lake District, and surrounding areas it would appear they don't see alot of black people. By the sounds of things they don't see any. On the first day, the day they arrived, they decided to have lunch in a little country pub. So they went in, sat down, and all was fine. They noticed a few people looking, but didn't really think anything of it, afterall small towns are generally like that, new people get stared at, right? Anyway, they got chatting to this guy. He was alright with them, then he started saying things to my sisters bloke. Such as, he was brave to be coming to such a place, someone like him, they didn't really get his sort in these places. He then went on to ask a few questions, including, if he found it difficult to get work, because of you know, how he is. My sisters fella took it all well, answered his questions and was perfectly polite.

When he left though, he was extremely paranoid. My take is it, the guy in his own way was trying to welcome him, and in asking them questions didn't realise how he would make my sisters fella feel. From then on he didn't want to go in any other country pubs, he was really paranoid that people were looking at him, and he was taking notice of how many other people of colour he saw. He just wasn't happy. He felt uncomfortable, and I can understand why.

Now my blog isn't really about this topic, it is about the reaction of a friend of mine, when I told them this story. I told them exactly what I have just said here....almost to the word. There response went along the lines of...."What's wrong with that? People like him should stay out of small towns?" People like him? There outlook on it is very simple. That guy said nothing wrong. He lives in a small town where there are only white people, and there should be some places in England where only white people go. HUH? Now I don't agree with this at all. My friend is from a small town, and I have to say due to the fact they have had very little contact with anyone who isn't white. So they do have some negatives views. Views that could be percieved as racist. I told my sister about this, and her reaction was simple.....I can't have racist friends. Is it that simple though? My friend doesn't go out beating people up, they aren't trying to make me racist....they simply have these views and believe in them. My sister says it is unfair to Maddy for me to associate with anyone like that. So now I shouldn't be friends with someone because of their beliefs?

What do you think JU? Am I wrong? Is my sister right? It's really got me thinking......

Comments

pseudosoldier

on Aug 06, 2006

This is where the party ends
I can't stand here listening to you
and your racist friend

-- They Might Be Giants

"Could be perceived as racist"?

Racism - racial prejudice or discrimination

Prejudice (from old English, previous judgment) - preconceived judgment or opinion, an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge

Also, more blatantly, "there should be some places in England where only white people go." Maddy is ... your daughter? Do you try to shield her from profanity? Why wouldn't you try to shield her from racism?

Sally jacobs

on Aug 06, 2006

Maddy is ... your daughter? Do you try to shield her from profanity? Why wouldn't you try to shield her from racism?

Maddy is my niece and she is mixed race. I would shield and protect her from anything. If my friend made any comments or anything in front of her, or if they actively went out of their way to openly make racial slurs at every opportunity then it would be different. However I have been friends with this person for many years, and even though I knew they had some predjudices against certain things, they have never so blatantly made such comments. So for having that point of view, should I just end our friendship?

MasonM

on Aug 06, 2006

Personally, I find racism in any form abhorrent and wouldn't want to associate with such a person. But that's me and my choice. If you wish to associate with such a person that's your business and not mine or your sister's or anyone else's.

This is tad eye opening for me as I've heard so many Brits talk about how much more open minded and accepting they are (Brits in general) regarding race than we backward Americans. I always knew they were full of it.

I think your sister is perfectly right for being offended, but she can't choose your friends for you. If you want to associate with bigots, that's your business.

SanChonino

on Aug 06, 2006

I don't know what to tell you about what to do with your friend, but this kind of racism is everywhere.

My little sisters are adopted, and Vanessa, the younger one, has had some racist encounters. (She, like Maddy, is biracial.) Here in homogenous Utah people have looked at her funny, almost as if she doesn't belong. Makes me mad.

Hope you figure out what to do in this ugly situation. Hugs, love.

Jythier

on Aug 06, 2006

Your sister seems right in this case. Your friend thinks there are places that you niece and your sister's fella shouldn't go due to skin color. He said 'People like him' but he meant 'Him and your niece'. And by default, your sister too, since she would probably be with them. Members of your family, disallowed from certain places. When it's put like that, I'd rather hit him than be his friend. Of course, he was never MY friend...

Dr Guy

on Aug 06, 2006

Agreed.

However, while I will not tar and feather a racist, I do ostracize them. My lineage includes black, my ex-wifes (and therefore my children's) Native American, and my current wife, Mexican.

I have a lot less tolerance than you. But that is me.

pseudosoldier

on Aug 06, 2006

I'm not as judgmental as I perhaps came off in my initial response. I realize that there are a lot of factors that leads a person to adopt certain predispositions. For example, a lack of exposure in my early childhood has led to some inexperience with non-whites, but I do my best to prevent myself from prejudging someone due to their race. (Apparent behavior is another matter, however.)

If your friend is good to you, and is good to your niece, his perceptions may not be actually harmful to her, such as a potty-mouth might curtail their tongue in front of a child. It may actually help your friend to be exposed to new people that he has (admittedly mild) prejudice against.

Is his mild racism a sin that you can't forgive?

dynamaso

on Aug 06, 2006

Oh, this is a hard one, Sally. Toni is of mixed parentage and I feel if anyone made any sort of comment to her about that while I was in the room, they'd get an earful from me for sure. Yet I have a number of friends who hold particular points of view, especially when it comes to people from the Middle East. I can't agree with them and will argue my point of view but at the end of the day, this is only a very small part of who they are. Sure, it is a part I don't like one little bit, but I find it easier to ignore and enjoy the person for their good qualities than for the small part I don't like. After all, nobody is perfect.

cityguy

on Aug 06, 2006

I think it's really hard. You can look at it as an opportunity to 'educate' someone, or leave him be altogether. I am black. I would hate to see you leave his life. You obviously don't share his opinion. He probably needs that influence more than you know. Of course, I live in world where I hope to see race become a historical facede of culture and not an obstacle to unity and equality.

PJ_

on Aug 06, 2006

Are you sure your friend was saying "Black people shouldn't go to small towns, because small town people don't like blacks and they have every right to think that way"? Or was the intent more like "People shouldn't take vacations in Iraq, because they might get shot (or tortured to death by sunnis/shia)," or "People shouldn't go to New Jersey, because it smells funny."? Maybe your friend just thinks your sister and her fella shouldn't associate with towns like that.

Sally jacobs

on Aug 07, 2006

I can't stand racism, and I hate it any form. My friend is that though, my friend. They have many wonderful qualities, and their racism is down to a lack of knowledge about people who are different to them. It is an ignorance. They don't go out and incite racist hatred. They have small town opinions, because they were brought up in a small town.

My little sisters are adopted, and Vanessa, the younger one, has had some racist encounters. (She, like Maddy, is biracial.) Here in homogenous Utah people have looked at her funny, almost as if she doesn't belong. Makes me mad.

It makes me mad too. If Maddy was ever faced with that or anyone for that matter, I would be the first to defend them, such behaviour is unacceptable. Hugs and love to you too babes xxx

I have a lot less tolerance than you. But that is me

Doc...I'm not THAT tolerant at all. I just don't know if I should get rid of friend because they have different beliefs to me, and beliefs that they voice in such a mild way

If your friend is good to you, and is good to your niece, his perceptions may not be actually harmful to her, such as a potty-mouth might curtail their tongue in front of a child. It may actually help your friend to be exposed to new people that he has (admittedly mild) prejudice against.

He would never say anything like that in front of my niece, because that would be friendship over straight off, and when he is faced with people who are different he doesn't judge them, and he does get to know them, and is shocked alot of the time to what he discovers about them. Like you said it is just difficult to shake off what he has grown up with, and the beliefs he had then.

I can't agree with them and will argue my point of view but at the end of the day, this is only a very small part of who they are. Sure, it is a part I don't like one little bit, but I find it easier to ignore and enjoy the person for their good qualities than for the small part I don't like. After all, nobody is perfect.

I'm like you Maso, I can't agree, and I will argue my point, but I do see other elements to his personality, that I do like, and plus I think that he is open to change his views also. That is a big plus!

I am black. I would hate to see you leave his life. You obviously don't share his opinion. He probably needs that influence more than you know.

I think he does. It would be boring if we all agreed, and we would never learn anything, would we?

Maybe your friend just thinks your sister and her fella shouldn't associate with towns like that

I think it was a mixture of the two. That he thinks why cause trouble when you don't need to? If they don't go there and go elsewhere, everyone is happy? I am not sure that is the right attitude though.

Thanks for all the comments x

Sally jacobs

on Aug 07, 2006

Why not do everyone involved a favor and have these sheltered people MEET your sister's boyfriend and get to know a black person? Their views sound more backwards and ignorant than deliberately mean and racist.

You are correct their views are backwards and ignorant more than anything else. They have met my sisters fella, and other black people, but they seem to think that the people they meet are the exception to the rule. I think it is only something that can get better over time.

Nor can you shield Maddy from reality forever, right or wrong, she is going to encounter people like this from time to time, and learning how to handle them is a life skill she'll need to learn. I don't know how old she is, of course, this is nothing that a toddler should be exposed to, but if she's of school age perhaps its time you discussed certain attitudes with her?

Maddy is only two, so I know now isn't the right time to approach such issues with her. I realise at some point though she will be faced with such attitudes, and if we completely shelter hew now we will be doing her no favours when she comes to face this herself. We have to prepare her and make her aware of what the real world is like. That will come with time. I am quite enjoying seeing her as a little girl who thinks the world revolves around playing and eating ice-cream!

Thanks for the comment x

Sally jacobs

on Aug 07, 2006

She's got lots of innocence still, don't ya wish it could last forever?

I wish I had that innocence...what is it they say, ignorance is bliss?

it may be time for a more creative approach, then, perhaps invite them out for a night on the town....in a predominantly black area? The more people they are exposed to the more likely they are to eventually realize that black folks really arent that different than anyone else.

That isn't actually a bad idea! Thanks for that, I think I will try that out, a little social experiment, hehe!

My issue isnt racism, it's species-ism! I just don't like people, period, and find most of them unfathomable and untrustworthy.

Hehe....Good Old Tex! I'm the same as you though, I'm not to fond of people. There is only a certain few that I can hand on heart say I really like, and even they are few and far between! I just enjoy my own company...I guess someones got too!

Good luck with your friends, you can be a good influence on them!

Me??? A good influence....damn they have no hope! Thanks LW. The advice is appreciated x

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