Does Monogamy Work?

Published on July 31, 2006 By Sally jacobs In Personal Relationships

Does marriage work? Does monogamy work? I guess that depends pretty much on who you are, and what your thoughts and feeling are about that particular subject. I think the majority of us would like it to work, but as the statistics prove, it doesn't always work. Two in five marriages here in the UK end in divorce. Infidelity is the cause of around a third of all marriage break-ups. Things aren't looking good for monogamy. Afterall we are a different society to the one our grandparents grew up in. There is more on offer to us, and many people want to take advantage of that. Relationships, families, and other things are not peoples number one priority anymore, so maybe it is time to open our minds, and look for a modern alternative to monogamy.

Well maybe the answer we are looking for is, polyamory. This is a relationship, just like any other, based on love, trust, and everything else, except it involves more than one person. It isn't pologamy, which is when you are married to more than one person. It isn't an affair, because all parties are aware of the situation, and they are all happy to be in that situation. It isn't swinging either, as that is about recreational sex, and polyamory is a way of actually structuring a relationship. If you look into polyamory there isn't really a way of defining what it is. It is what you decide between yourselves, and what feels right. People who enter into these relationships refuse to let society dictate to them what the right way to be with someone is. They are open and honest with each other and that is good enough for them.

When you are in a relationship like that, I would imagine that jealousy is a big issue. I mean in monogamous relationships it's an issue, so imagine what it's like when you know your beloved is bed hopping? This also raises another point, is it possible to love two people? Can you do that? Some would argue; especially those that practice polyamory, that love is an infinite thing. It isn't something that you can limit. So why shouldn't you spread the love, who are any of us to say who you can love? Or how many people you can love?

Some people are not able to be with just one person. They just don't have it in them. So wouldn't this kind of relationship suit them? Where they can be honest about not wanting to be with just the one person, and building a relationship with a few people. Maybe polyamory is an alternative to people who don't want the modern day constraints on a relationship that we all accept. Maybe it will stop so many people getting divorced, and cheating. Maybe. I'm an old fashioned girl though. I am not sure I would be able to keep one person happy, nevermind two or more. I think that I will stick to monogamy. Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself, and I really wouldn't like to share. So why should I expect anyone else too? Love, and relationships are what you make them, if you are happy in that situation, more power to you. It isn't for me though

Comments (Page 1)

Dr Guy

on Jul 31, 2006

The type of relationship depends upon the participants. WHile I doubt Polyamory will ever been seen as a legal (in the respect of the law), Not many countries outside of the middle east are going to run them to the pokey.

monogamous does work for many (even you admit for 60% which is a majority). It has never worked for 100%. Is it a trend? Hard to tell. Our free time has grown and with it our libido. So perhaps monogamy is the same, just the open nature of cheating (or Polyamory) is more overt.

Frankly, I dont know. But what you do is your business (the generic you - not Sally you). Between you and your mate (or significant other).

Locamama

on Jul 31, 2006

It wouldn't ever work for me. I'm not the type that could "share" and not have my feelings hurt.

sushiK

on Jul 31, 2006

I do love both of my kids.
I do love my mother and father.

Perhaps I Could love two women at the same time?

foreverserenity

on Jul 31, 2006

There are still a lot of relationships in good shape out there so I will say yes to that one. It just depends on the people involve to make it work. And it is hard work!

Sally, we had the same thoughts on this one, I did an article about relationships too!

dynamaso

on Jul 31, 2006

Interesting article, Sally. I have definite opinions about this. Sex, as a recreational activity, is wonderful exercise. Couples who swing and enjoy it don't have the same insecurities a lot of monogamous couples have because they can and do seperate sex from the love and respect they have for each other.

I have particular opinions about polyamory too. If it is the sort of thing that works for particular people, then I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. I believe we are capable of loving, equally, more than one person at a time. The problems most couples have with the idea of an 'open' relationship, as you mentioned, usually stem from jealousy. This is where honest, forthright communication is absolutely necessary so there is never any confusion about what is going on.

eieio

on Jul 31, 2006

It's not the system (monogamy) that is flawed; it works every time it is done correctly according to the tenets of that structure.

It is the participants that fail.

Jythier

on Aug 01, 2006

Everyone wants to be somebody special. Monogamy says, "You are that special person in my life." Polyamory says, "You're not special enough. I need someone else, too."

I agree with pictoratus. The participants fail. One of the problems is that men feel the need to prove themselves pretty much all the time. So we go to work, and we be cool and maybe flirt a little with the attractive secretary. No big deal, we can handle it. But the problem is that I probably see her more than my wife, and eventually it could turn into something more. The best way to avoid an unwanted relationship is to play the dweeb instead of the cool guy. If your boring, nobody is going to be attracted to you for long, and you will have to stay monogamous! Once she realizes she's not attracted to you, you can be cool again. You're in 'just friends' land, which is where you want to be anyway if you're married.

As for women, I have no clue why they stray. Might be for the same reasons. I don't know, I'm a guy.

Sally jacobs

on Aug 01, 2006

Is it a trend? Hard to tell. Our free time has grown and with it our libido. So perhaps monogamy is the same, just the open nature of cheating (or Polyamory) is more overt.

Lots of people cheat, so maybe this is a way for them to get the best of both worlds. A partner who is ok with it, and as many people to be with as they want!

But what you do is your business (the generic you - not Sally you). Between you and your mate (or significant other).

Yes I agree, we are adults afterall, so what we do is our business.

It wouldn't ever work for me. I'm not the type that could "share" and not have my feelings hurt

Yep, I am exactly the same, I like ALL the attention to myself.

I do love both of my kids.
I do love my mother and father.

Perhaps I Could love two women at the same time?

Maybe you could, but I think there are different kinds of love. That you feel for different people.

There are still a lot of relationships in good shape out there so I will say yes to that one. It just depends on the people involve to make it work. And it is hard work!

Yes I agree it is hard work, and I think people give in far to easily, it is just the easy option isn't it? People I think should be prepared to put a little more effort in, and then the rewards will be even greater.

Sally, we had the same thoughts on this one, I did an article about relationships too!

Oooh I'll go and check it out chick

Sex, as a recreational activity, is wonderful exercise. Couples who swing and enjoy it don't have the same insecurities a lot of monogamous couples have because they can and do seperate sex from the love and respect they have for each other.

For me I don't see sex as a recreational activity and for exercise. I see it as an act between two people who love each other, and I am just unable to see ti as anything else. I realise it is these things, but onoly with that one person. Sex is the act of love making, and therefore should be with the one you love, in my opinion. Though I do think if people want to do certain things that is up to them, and if they are confident in their relationship then good for them.

I believe we are capable of loving, equally, more than one person at a time. The problems most couples have with the idea of an 'open' relationship, as you mentioned, usually stem from jealousy. This is where honest, forthright communication is absolutely necessary so there is never any confusion about what is going on.

I think we are capable of loving many different people, in different ways. However, to actually be in love with someone is a big deal, and therefore I feel that you can only ever feel that feeling of true love for the one person at a time. We are just not capable of spreading our feelings that thinly. People become jealous because they feel they are fighting for someones affections, and in a relationship no one should ever have that feeling. They should be completely at ease with their feelings for someone, and the feelings that are returned.

It's not the system (monogamy) that is flawed; it works every time it is done correctly according to the tenets of that structure.

It is the participants that fail.

Agreed, and well said. You get a cookie

Everyone wants to be somebody special. Monogamy says, "You are that special person in my life." Polyamory says, "You're not special enough. I need someone else, too."

Hehe...I liked that!

So we go to work, and we be cool and maybe flirt a little with the attractive secretary. No big deal, we can handle it. But the problem is that I probably see her more than my wife, and eventually it could turn into something more. The best way to avoid an unwanted relationship is to play the dweeb instead of the cool guy

Hmm...this made me laugh, I don't know why. So you are saying that we are not able to control our feelings very well, and when faced with the situation on a daily basis, at some point we will be broken down, and just give in? Is love worth that little?

Thanks for the comments

sushiK

on Aug 01, 2006

Didn't monogamy become entrenched in us because of religion in the very begining?
Other cultures did not have marriage in the begining. Anyone ever read some of the books by Aldous Huxley, particularly 'Brave New World'? His vision of the future was a futher melting of relationships almost back to the earliest state where kids were not raised by a single set of mother / father but by a group. Society had socially changed at the roots regarding marriage and relationships.

He also envisioned relationships were not a one on one system anymore; the social consciousness was all about one person engaging in relationships with multiple partners and that marriage had been abandoned.

Shovelheat

on Aug 01, 2006

I remember what Ron White said- I like green M&M's, but every once in a while I wanna red one!

Dr Guy

on Aug 01, 2006

I remember what Ron White said

I work with him! He said that? His wife is going to have a whooping coming!

dynamaso

on Aug 01, 2006

I see it as an act between two people who love each other, and I am just unable to see ti as anything else. I realise it is these things, but onoly with that one person. Sex is the act of love making, and therefore should be with the one you love, in my opinion.

As I see it, sex is one thing but love-making is a completely different thing altogether. A lot of people confuse the two and get themselves caught up in nasty, heart-breaking situations. I know this because I’ve been there myself. Just because someone is attracted to you enough to want to sleep with you doesn’t mean they love you. In this day and age of ‘hook-ups’, this can make romantics such as yourself particularly vulnerable. I’m not saying you’re the sort of woman who does go out looking for one-night stands, not at all. You’re a romantic, like me, and believe love is the secret ingredient to a good relationship, both physically and cerebrally, as I do. But believe me, there is a difference between the two.

I disagree. I think people are capable of being truly in love with more than one person at a time. As I see it, love is infinite and we are more than capable of giving love to as many as we want. Our western society has developed a system that basically says ‘you can only truly love one person at a time’ because our society tells us any other way is not right. I’m not about to go out and start a relationship with another woman ‘on the side’, but I do see us as capable of far more than current mores suggest.

People become jealous because they feel they are fighting for someone’s affections, and in a relationship no one should ever have that feeling. They should be completely at ease with their feelings for someone, and the feelings that are returned.

I agree with you on this. It is a rotten emotion, jealousy. It can cause individuals to be paranoid, delusional and, in worst cases, violent. I made a promise to myself many years ago never to allow jealousy to overtake me. It is a black, ugly thing that ultimately makes the wearer look foolish. But if a person is ‘at ease with their feelings for someone’, they know their feelings are returned, regardless. It is the way good relationships are supposed to work.

Jythier,

Everyone wants to be somebody special. Monogamy says, "You are that special person in my life." Polyamory says, "You're not special enough. I need someone else, too."

I don't believe it says this at all. Just because the idea is not to your way of thinking doesn’t make it any worse than monogamy. I mean, how do you really know it says this if you’ve not ever been in a polyamorist relationship? I contest you’re basing your statement on the current social mores. There is nothing wrong with this as it seems to work for a lot of people. But I do believe there is room for more than one ‘system’. We just have to be open-minded enough to accept that others might choose a different way to live their lives.

Sally jacobs

on Aug 02, 2006

His vision of the future was a futher melting of relationships almost back to the earliest state where kids were not raised by a single set of mother / father but by a group. Society had socially changed at the roots regarding marriage and relationships.

Are we made to be with muliple partners though? Would a group of people be better off raising a child than just a single set of parents? Why do so many people conform to what is socially expected of them if it isn't the best thing for them? Or is this the start of the break out? So many questions....

I remember what Ron White said- I like green M&M's, but every once in a while I wanna red one!

I love chocolate, but having to much of it makes me want to puke

As I see it, sex is one thing but love-making is a completely different thing altogether. A lot of people confuse the two and get themselves caught up in nasty, heart-breaking situations

If people are aware of this, and are able to switch their feelings on and off then that is good for them. They can do that. I can only speak from my personal point of view, and for me having sex would not be an activity I would wish to take part in if it wasn't with someone I cared about deeply. I realise in the society we live in today people are much more able to see the difference between love making and sex, and be quite happy to switch the two. I just don't see it that way though. I don't really want that in a potential partner either, a guy who has slept with alot of women would not be attractive to me, I would just wonder how itchy is dick is, hehe!

think people are capable of being truly in love with more than one person at a time. As I see it, love is infinite and we are more than capable of giving love to as many as we want. Our western society has developed a system that basically says ‘you can only truly love one person at a time’ because our society tells us any other way is not right

Maso, I love ya, but I can't agree with this. I am not sure it is about what society tells us, I think it more about what we feel is right ourselves. There is a reason that you don't wish to go out and start a relationship with someone else, and that is because you are in love and that takes up your feelings and emotions, and your lively wife deserves all your attention and devotion. I agree that we can love many people, and in many different ways, but when it comes to true love, I think that can only be done once at a time. Love takes work, and effort, and I believe that you can only really be capable of putting that much time and energy in one person, and if they are the person who you really love, then that is what they deserve.

I made a promise to myself many years ago never to allow jealousy to overtake me

I have to say I am guilty of the green eyed monster at times, but it is something I try and keep control of, and for the most part I do that. I think that it is an extremely unattractive quality, and one that can only makes things worse rather than better.

Thanks for the comments x

lifehappens

on Aug 02, 2006

Two in five marriages here in the UK end in divorce. Infidelity is the cause of around a third of all marriage break-ups. Things aren't looking good for monogamy.

If they are infaithful.....it isn't monogamy anymore, is it?

Baring your soul and bonding to another person is not a light affair. I can understand polygamy....all parties are initrinsicly bonded to one another. Polyamory is just a fancy name for " I don't want to commit". Cause face it, if they really did want a meaningful, permanent relationship....they would get married.

Polymory is one step lower on the commitment scale than Serial Monogamy. (ie: "I'm faithful to you. Now, I'm faithful and in love with him. Now I don't love him, but I love this guy.....")Anyone who tries to come up with a name for sleeping around to legitimize it, is only trying to fool themselves. It doesn't matter what you call it. The intent behind it isn't there.

And a Note on Divorce: Did you know that people who live together without making a permanent commitment first (IE: marriage) are more likely to get divorced within 2 years of marriage later on? Maybe this is because commitment, making a legal bond to back up a relationship's intent is not to be taken lightly. People who skip that step often claim they felt "trapped" after marrying later on.....probably because they never made the commitment. Subconciously you can look at a live in relationship as non-binding. Getting it official later takes away the loose and easy mentality they had previously....and then the marriage fails.

So, monogomy DOES work. Not for everyone because you have to want it. But nothing else can compare to what that can give you.

lifehappens

on Aug 02, 2006

Two in five marriages here in the UK end in divorce. Infidelity is the cause of around a third of all marriage break-ups. Things aren't looking good for monogamy.

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