All grown up?

Published on May 13, 2006 By Sally jacobs In Life Journals

There are times when I feel like a little girl, who hasn't really grown up yet. I just want to jump around like a mad woman, and have fun. Especially when I'm in the company of my little niece. A two year old is a good excuse for an adult to behave like a big kid. Then there are other times when I feel like a young woman (which is good, as that's what I am) but even then, part of me feels like I'm faking it. I mean, I am capable. I'm not stupid, I have sense. It just feels good sometimes to be stupid. When are you really an adult? I'm 22, and I only feel it sometimes. Even now when I am in my parents company, I am a child. It's difficult to explain. I mean I talk to my folks on a level. It isn't like they talk down to me, or anything like that. But THEY are the adult, you know what I mean. I found diaries the other day, from when I was 15. Wow, how much I've changed from the girl that wrote them. I'm actually quite worried about the mental health of the girl that wrote them. She was absolutely in love with Pacey from Dawsons Creek, and there was pages just filled with stupid girly stuff about him, like how cute he looked when he was whispering them sweet nothings to Joey. Honestly if there was a time machine I would get in it and slap my younger self. I was also sooooooo passionate about writing. So much more than I am now. That quite scares me. I mean, I love writing now, and when I sit here, it all flows out, and it feels good. For the 15 year old me it was everything though. Everything was just a story waiting to be told, or a character just waiting to be given a story. I miss that part of me, I think somewhere along the way, the real world came and bit me on the arse.

I sometimes wonder if I will read my blogs in years to come, and again wish for a time machine wanting to come back and slap my younger self. Or will I actually sit down and read something, and think to myself, I wish I was still that girl. Or maybe it will be a mixture of the two like it is now. When I was 15 I was going to change the world. I was going to write things that millions of people would read, and they would be touched by it, and they would think. That's it. I would make people think. There is no better gift you can give someone. Now seven years on, I'm sat here wondering if I'm even an adult or not. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like what I am, or who I am. It's just different from what I expected. I need to remember that I have so much time ahead of me, that on the grand scale of things I'm nothing but a pup. Growing up can be scary sometimes though. Like where do I see myself ten years from now? I don't have a clue....I don't know what I will be doing, or if I will be happy or not. That's what's so wonderful about life though, it is what you make it. I can sit here now, and type about my worries, and what I will become, but I control it. If I really want something I have to work for it, and really want it, and I don't doubt I will achieve it. This is turning into a pep talk to myself, hehe.

I don't even think the 40 year old me will feel like an adult. I still think I will be pondering that question, and you know what maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I need to keep that part of me. Because children have some qualities that we should all want to hold on to. They don't judge you, they say things as they see them, they find no shame in having fun. They think make believe worlds are good, and not something you have to see a therapist about. Maybe that's going a little far. I think it is in all of us though. To just want to let our hair down at times. Not deal with adult stuff, and just be us. We all want to keephold of our youth in some ways, I just hope mine doesn't turn into a plastic surgery obsession, hehe!

Ahh I feel better after this little waffle

Comments

just john

on May 15, 2006

This was a really cool piece of work in so many ways. Figuring out who you are starts somewhere around the beginning. You just can't give up on trying to be that something better/different that is what you are or aren't destined to become.

I got some of the best advice from a musician and one bit I would never really get until much later. Here they are.

A couple of lines pulled a Jimmy Buffet song.
I’m growing older but not up
and
I’d rather die while I’m living than live while I’m dead

From a friend
Patience

At 33 I still haven't forgotten how to be a kid. Yesterday, with grass far too high to ignore, I picked my nephew up and took him to the local air show. After an afternoon of finding cover under the tails of fighter jets and way too much sun bouncing off the tarmac, he said lets go swimming. It only took a second to realize that my grass wasn't going to grow that much more over night and there is always time to do it later.

Sally jacobs

on May 16, 2006

I’d rather die while I’m living than live while I’m dead

I like that

Thanks so much for the comment John. I'm glad you can understand where I am coming from, and I am so glad I'm not alone in these thoughts. My niece has exactly the same effect on me as your nephew does on you. She makes me realise what the important stuff is, and you can see the results of the work you put in with them. Nothing can come second to that!

I hope you get the grass done, at some point hehe

dynamaso

on May 16, 2006

Good article, Sally. I think if more people allowed their inner child to come out, even occasionally, they'd be a lot happier.

I don't even think the 40 year old me will feel like an adult. I still think I will be pondering that question, and you know what maybe that's a good thing.

Let me tell you, the forty...ahem...two year old me still feels this way. I know now it is where my creativity stems from and therefore is a part of me I wil continue to indulge. My grass always needs mowing

Sally jacobs

on May 17, 2006

I know now it is where my creativity stems from and therefore is a part of me I wil continue to indulge. My grass always needs mowing

Hehe...good on you Maso, I wouldn't expect anything less

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