"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood."
Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. - Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) Baz Lurhman

I was brought up to believe that family came first. No matter what. Your family come first. This is true, your family will be there, always. Basically, because they don't have a choice. There will be friends, that you gorw so close to that they also become like family. There is nothing like blood though, to demand loyalty at the most inconvenient of times, and you have to give it, because that's what families do. So in my life, my friends have always come second to my family, and for me that has worked. I have close friends, who I love, but my family come first. They are there for me and I am there for them. My Mum has a strange relationship with her sisters. She cares about them greatly, as you do. She is the eldest, and when she talks about them, they are still her baby sisters, even though they are all over the age of 40. They drifted over the years though. My Aunties remained quite close to each other, they moved to a similar area, and they have the same interests, and they have alot in common. My Mum went her own way, had a family young, and she concentrated on her family, as the years have gone on, they aren't close at all anymore. My Mum is often left out of family events, that they end up just going to. This really upsets my Mum, even though she acts like it doesn't really bother her I can see that it does. It has left me feeling more than a little contempt for them.

I decided many years ago that I didn't want a relationship like that with my two sisters. I wanted to remain close to them and be a part of each others lives, as we grow grey and old. Not such a difficult plan, right? Ha! Sibling relationships are not easy. You know each other all your lives, you know all the embarassing stories, what makes each other tick. You know your family secrets, arguments your parents had, first boyfriends that make you cry, all kinds of things. Believe me, my sisters and I have had are moments. There was times that we have wanted to kill each other. One thing that my sisters are though, is fiercely loyal. If I have ever needed them, they would be there for me, without question. We all have issues with each other, but who doesn't after spending the good part of 22 years together? Now as times gone on, history has repeated itself slightly. My eldest sister went her own way, and as time went on she had less and less in common with me and my middle sister. Until it reached the point where we were leaving her out of things, and she was just left to her own devices. Now I know that isn't really fair, but my eldest sister is extremely complicated, and sometimes she makes it very difficult to love her, though you can never stop. The loyalty never stops, if she needs us we are there for her, and we do try and help her, though she doesn't make it easy.

So that leaves me and my middle sister. A few years ago I would of described her as my best friend, we got on really well. We still do. There is a shift though. My sister had a baby, and had her fella, and she has a little family of her own. That isn't the change though. I feel me and her drifting apart. We butt heads alot more than we used to. I think it started on a holiday that we had a few years ago. We both went away, my niece was extremely young at the time. Two sisters in an enclosed space for two weeks isn't a great idea. We mixed our friends together, which wasn't a good idea, as we are very different, which lead to tension, and it boiled over into an argument between us, where some things were said, that maybe shouldn't of been. We both threw things in the mix that I think have stayed with us. Since that holiday I have backed off her slightly. I haven't spent as much time with her, and as a result the only time we really communicate now is when she wants me to look after my niece (which is most weekends). Now my niece I adore completely. She is the apple of my eye. However it is starting to bite a little bit that it seems my sister doesn't actually want to spend time with me, she just wants me to look after her daughter. I have to say it's starting to get to me, and as a result I'm starting to dislike her. Which will mean I make even less effort to see her, and I don't really know where that will leave us.

Are we doomed to end up like my Mum and her sisters did? That is something I really don't want to happen, but does that mean I should be around people I am starting to dislike just for the sake of family? Will it be that we all end up getting married and having children, and we only really see each other on birthdays and at Christmas? I don't want that to be the case, as I said, my family is important to me. Maybe my concentration will just be pulled in a different direction, to the family I haven't even started yet. That thought makes me really sad though. Maybe this is just a bump in the road. I am writing this blog, basically because my middle sister and I had a bit of a run in tonight. She is stressed at the moment, she has exams at college, and my little niece is playing up big time at the moment. It was my Mums birthday today, and my sister came to visit, and made it clear from the start she just didn't want to be there. My reaction to that was, well if you don't want to be here, don't bother coming. I'd rather her not be there if she's just going to have a face like a slapped arse. Which caused a few problems I can tell you. So maybe this feeling I am having is just a reaction from that argument, and as siblings do, it will be another bump in the road we get over. I hope so. I love both my sisters. I want us to be a part of each others lives for many years to come. Having said that, I don't want to push an issue, if it will just lead to arguments, and us disagreeing. Some things just aren't worth it. I guess time will tell.

Comments
on May 08, 2006
Friendships never remain constant so why should one's relationship with siblings?

I think that relationships move in waves or cycles. People need to be free to move away and come back to a friendship or anykind of relationship.

To expect things to be constant between two people is unfair to them both.

If it bugs you, then when you are having a calm moment at the same time as her, then address it. Harboring feelings to maintain one stage of a cycle is not healthy.


.... hmmm... look at me. New age guru. Still, I believe these things.

Good luck. Sisters are great but difficult relationships.
on May 08, 2006
Sally,

I am the eldest of 5; four boys and a girl, with my sister being the youngest. We were a very tight family when we were growing up. My father, who also came from a large family, had a falling out with a couple of his older brothers and was determined for this not to happen with his children.

As time went on, though, two of my brothers, who are more alike than either would care to admit, also had a big falling out. Unfortunately, my parents got caught up in this with the result being one of my brothers no longer speaks to the one he was fighting with OR to my parents. For a while, he wouldn't speak to my sister either. It got really ugly. This was six or seven years ago now.

I don't know what it was that set it all off. Neither of my brothers are willing to explain it, which makes it even harder to do anything about. Personally, I think the reason had a lot to do with how much time my bros spent with each other. At one stage, all my siblings were living withing a suburb from each other and our parents. They were quite literally living in each other's pockets, which I don't think is healthy. I have always been the dark grey sheep of the family (I'm truly not bad enough to be black) mainly because I moved on and out into the world, not because I don't like my family but because I wanted to grow and experience what the world had to offer. This caused my parents a few heartaches, but as time has gone on, they gained understanding of why I moved on.

I see them as much as I can. They all live in the same town still, about 3 hours from Sydney where I live, expect for my parents, who have spent the last four or five years travelling around Australia. I don't have any problems with any of them except for the still existant sibling rivalry that crops up. It is really silly as they are all adults with children of their own yet they still rely on the group dynamic as it existed when we were kids.

I'm sorry to hear about your sisters. You know, something as simple as a phone call, regularly, can make a huge difference, even if it is only a few minutes to say hello and that you're doing fine. Their value far outweighs their inadequecies.

Sorry to have rambled on for so long.
on May 09, 2006
I think that relationships move in waves or cycles. People need to be free to move away and come back to a friendship or anykind of relationship.


Yes I agree, and I have found that with the people I am closest with that we do tend to move away from each other, but we also seem to find a way back together too. Which is extremely important.

If it bugs you, then when you are having a calm moment at the same time as her, then address it. Harboring feelings to maintain one stage of a cycle is not healthy.


Yes I agree, and even though it's something I don't really want to do, I know that at some point I will have to address this issue with her. I think maybe I gave her space to avoid having to address these issues with her. That worked well huh!

Good luck. Sisters are great but difficult relationships.


Thanks, and yes, aren't they just!

Maso thanks so much for the response, and don't be silly you did not ramble on! That's my job, hehe! I think that part of the issue with us is my parents. Especially when it comes to my eldest sister. My Mum really wants us all to get along, so she tends to push us together, which of course has the opposite effect. I end up resenting my Mum for it, and it always appears that she is in favour of my eldest sister when that isn't the case. It's funny when in the presence of our family we all revert to how we were when we was children!
on May 09, 2006
There are 7 in my family, but the age difference is such that I grew up with 3 of them, and helped raise the other 3.  We are not as close as I would like, not like my Wife's family.  But I am glad I am not feuding with any of them.  I am actually closest to my oldest sister, and my god daughter, one form each of the 3s.
on May 09, 2006
There are 7 in my family, but the age difference is such that I grew up with 3 of them, and helped raise the other 3.


Wow, I thought I had enough with two sisters, ha!

But I am glad I am not feuding with any of them. I am actually closest to my oldest sister, and my god daughter, one form each of the 3s.


It's nice that there is no arguments, and you can all get on!

Thanks for the comment hun x
on May 09, 2006

Wow, I thought I had enough with two sisters, ha!

Uh, did not mean to imply 6 sisters.  There are a couple of brothers, just 4 sisters!

on May 10, 2006
Uh, did not mean to imply 6 sisters. There are a couple of brothers, just 4 sisters!


Hehe...does that mean you have a better understanding of females than the average man?
on May 13, 2006
I think maybe I gave her space to avoid having to address these issues with her. That worked well huh!


My aunt swears that her husband uses that method for problem solving and that it works just fine for HIM. Drives her crazy. But he seems to find that most problems go away on their own and that the only ones that need solving are the ones currently biting him in the a--. If it is not biting, it is not in need of solving.

I've thought about that method.... I thought about adopting it.... then realized it was not going to work for me. I think maybe it has something to do with being a guy.
on May 13, 2006

Hehe...does that mean you have a better understanding of females than the average man?

And 2 daughters.....hmmmmm...probably!

on May 13, 2006
But he seems to find that most problems go away on their own and that the only ones that need solving are the ones currently biting him in the a--. If it is not biting, it is not in need of solving.


You know what I find if you ignore a problem? You start getting annoyed about the wrong things. So you ignore what's actually up, but then start picking at completely ridiculous things, because you are annoyed already. Which leads to all kinds of problems.

I think maybe it has something to do with being a guy.


Ahh...and men are usually so good at dealing with such things, hehe!

And 2 daughters.....hmmmmm...probably!


Hehe...well I already know that you're a pushover, which for your daughters is a great thing, hehe!