"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood."
Published on July 28, 2004 By Sally jacobs In Dating
I hate liars more than anything. With a passion I hate those that are capable of lying at the drop of a hat. I hate people who you invest trust and time into, and they repay you by lying through their back teeth to you. My trust does not come easily, there are few people in this world I trust, you could probably count the people I trust on one hand, and if I'm fully honest the only person I can truely trust with absolutely no fear of ever being let down is myself. No one else cares about me, like I care about me. No one looks out for me, like I look out for me. The only person I ever will have the full back up of is me. I can live with that, but living a life that you don't trust anyone, is a lonely life, and you do eventually have to let people in, to what extent is completely upto you, but slowly they will creep in. Slowly you will care about people, slowly people will become important to you. Friends, lovers, family, whatever. They will have some effect on your life. You will grow to trust them. When you find a partner, someone you feel you would be willing to spend the rest of your life with, you will trust them. You will place your heart in their hands, and pray they will be gentle with it. That they won't drop it on the floor and jump all over it. Because that hurts. Alot.

Which gets me on to partners that cheat. I have idealistic morals, morals that I think the world should live by, but when put in situations where these morals are tested, it's not always so easy to live by them. I'm not stupid, I know there is an exception to every rule, I know by not living by the same morals by me doesn't make you evil, by breaking these morals it doesn't make you evil. There are exceptions. I'm not interested in the exceptions at the moment. It's the spineless people that view cheating as a sport, as a competition, something they can brag to other people about. I was out a few weeks ago, and i was in a queue for a club or something and there was these two guys behind me. Now there conversation started off by rating the local talent, comments such as "oooh she's got nice tits" I can live with. They insulted a few people too. This also I can live with. Then they got into a conversation about previous relationships. They compared how many women they had cheated on! They had practically cheated on every single woman they had been with! Some didn't count though, if the woman wasn't so attractive, it was understandable they had being cheated on, and they should be grateful a lovely lad like him had given her the time of day in the first place. The length of the relationship was also important. If it was a short relationship, cheating didn't count. Also, and this is the best one, if you don't get caught, you don't technically cheat. How good is that one? Now me and my friend were listening to this conversation, and I could tell by her face she was thinking we should both turn around and bitch slap both these boys for all our sisters out there.

Women are the same, I'm not even trying to kid myself, thinking we are all angelic and incapable of such behaviour, we are probably more devious than men! I have friends who think it's ok to cheat. Because? Men are dogs and you are only beating them to what they will inevitably do to you. Two wrongs don't make a right in my book. I have a friend that actually gets a kick out of it, that she has the nice guy she goes out with and keeps as the caring boyfriend, who makes her feel great and all that stuff, then she has the bloke she keeps strictly for the bedroom. It's a turn on that she is doing something bad, that she might get caught. I can kind of understand that. The whole adrenaline rush. I understand it. I also think there are much better ways of getting your kicks than playing with other peoples emotions. What worries me is it is becoming the norm. It would be quicker for me to tell you the people I know who have never cheated.

Now apart from these people that cheat for the fun of it, those that never really care about either parties, and will quite happily move on to the next people. There are those that claim to be in love with both parties. They love two people and to make a choice is just to difficult. This is where my idealistic morals come into play. I don't think that is possible. If you truely love someone, then to look at another person to me would be impossible, to consider getting close to someone else, would not even cross my mind. To hurt that person I was in a relationship to that extent, would be impossible. I can never imagine doing it, I never have done it, and I never will do it. It's been done to me. I've invested time and emotion into someone, and I've had it thrown back in my face. Now when people find out that their significant other has done the dirty, why is it they go after the person that their partner is cheating with? it's your partner that owes you the trust, that dedicated themselves to you. Is it just easier to blame somone else than the person you love? Maybe, but we need to realise these people are not worth knowing in the first place, Remember there are exceptions, sometimes it is impossible to escape this situation. Sometimes you come across people you connect with on levels you never thought were possible, and one or both of you may be already partnered up. There are right ways of doing things though. You don't have to cheat.

If you come across someone who you think has the ability to make you cheat, or someone you wish to be with, then have the guts to end the relationship you are already in. Or at least being honest about your feelings. We are all human, obviously we find people we are attractive to. Of course we do, but are them people worth risking the relationship you already have? Or are you just a little bored, and looking for that adrenaline rush, believe me it's not worth it, risking what you already have. Just remember to be honest with yourself and those you love. It also works the other way. If you meet someone who is partnered up and you are attracted to them. My advice to you? Walk away. You're setting yourself up for fall, or someone else. If that person is truely for you, it will work out that way, without you having to cheat, and I truely believe that. Love is complicated in the first place, with two people, don't make it ten times worse. Maybe I just am idealistic.

Comments (Page 2)
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on Jul 30, 2004
People think love is unconditional, it's not. No matter at what point it's at, there will be a condition


I think real love is unconditional. (Sorry to keep putting my oar in Sally hun. Just sharing my views)


on Jul 30, 2004
I think real love is unconditional. (Sorry to keep putting my oar in Sally hun. Just sharing my views)


Your views are more than welcome Andy. I don't think real love is unconditional. If you was in love with someone and them with you and they killed someone, or they cheated on you, or stole from you, or abused somone, or anything, would you still love them?
on Jul 30, 2004
If you was in love with someone and them with you and they killed someone, or they cheated on you, or stole from you, or abused somone, or anything, would you still love them?


I would at least like to think so. I think that unconditional love is a different kind to the ‘romantic’ love which most of us identify with. If we had a partner and they killed someone, or cheated, or stole, then it would imply that the other person has fundamental faults in their character.

But I believe that unconditional love would see that this person is in need of help and compassion, rather than hatred or lack of compassion. Romantic love, on the other hand, would probably crumble, and wouldn’t want to be associated with such negativity.

I believe that unconditional love accepts everything, and wouldn’t feel hurt or belittled by any form of negativity. This wouldn’t mean that we should stay in such a relationship, or condone the other’s behaviour. Rather, it would mean to seek the highest good, which would probably be to get out of the relationship, and at least to see the potential of goodness in the other human being, and to perceive them as a misguided or lost soul.

Unconditional love is authentic power. Most of us identify humility, compassion, and meekness as forms weaknesses. However, from a certain point of view, they are forms of great strength and integrity.

Of course, these principles could easily be perceived as “idealistic”, “unrealistic”, or nothing to do with the human condition. However, I believe that they have everything to do with the human condition. Unconditional love is the soul’s goal, in my opinion. It’s all a question of growth.

Consider a three-year old who dribbles food down his chin, or who falls over while learning to walk. Now consider a twenty-one year old, who eats his food with knife and fork, and walks and runs in good stead. Which one is ‘better’? Which one is more ‘valuable’? Through the eyes of love, the answer is neither. Both are equal, only at different stages of growth.

I believe that the same principle applies to us all. The partner who steals, cheats or murders, is equivalent to the three year old child, who doesn’t know how to function properly in the world, and whose model of life lacks integrity and wisdom. The person who loves unconditionally, however, is equivalent to the twenty-one year old - stronger, wiser, and with a deeper and more integral model of the world.

I believe that love is our function on earth, and that love is the nature of our Source. Love is a form of spiritual wealth, and love is for-giving. We are all here for a purpose, and God loves us all unconditionally.

Here I go again, spouting out this spiritual bollox. But the trouble is I can’t help it. Call me a twat, but I believe in love. Who cares? Love doesn’t make sense to me without considering the nature of the bigger picture. Unconditional love is very much within the human potential, I’m convinced of it! (Even though I’m not a romantic, I think that this view of the world is more ‘romantic’ than any kind of human romance. The irony is that it is something that we can truly believe in.)
on Jul 30, 2004
family can push you alot further though, and your trust for family is alot great, because there are so many unwritten rules when it comes to family. They usually stick by you and help you. No matter what.


You've obviously never met my "family."

I don't think real love is unconditional. If you was in love with someone and them with you and they killed someone, or they cheated on you, or stole from you, or abused somone, or anything, would you still love them?


Love them? Yes. Continue to have anything to do with them? That's another story. Emotions and actions do not necessarily match.

I remember when my uncle beat his drug dealer's daughter nearly to death with the butt of a shotgun. (What a lovely example I am giving for a comment about "love," no?) After he hit the road running from the cops, his wife said, "I still love him, but I don't trust him." At the time that seemed like a ridiculous statement to me. I thought, "If you love, you trust. Period." Alas, I now sadly know the truth -- you can love someone more than you will ever love anyone else and still not want to have anything to do with them ever again. (That's a truth I could have lived without learning.)
on Jul 31, 2004
Ahhh Andy, I don't really know where to start with that comment. First of all I have to ask what is the difference between romantic love and unconditional love? I mean I know you have stated that romantic love would not put up with such behaviours, but are they two different things? Surely romantic love leads on to unconditional love? Or is it just the different stages of loving someone. Yes are love can carry on, far after the relationship has ended. That is true. For whatever reasons the relationship ended, but isn't that the heart ruling the head? Therefore the love was not unconditional, if you don't agree with what they do, and walk away, that means there was a condition on your love, even if you carry on loving them, you've left the person you have loved.

I think love is our soul reason to be here. It is just such a beautiful thing that plays a vital role in our lives. Maybe I'm just not mature enough yet to understand unconditional love, maybe that will be in years to come, when I'm married and settled down, but I can't see that I will just let anything go.

Gene, nice to see you here. That comment about the family is true in so many cases, but I have a sister that I no longer want a relationship with, and I know just how far she has pushed me to feel that. Years and years of abuse, nastiness, and hate that have come from here have finally pushed me to that decision. A decision I am ashamed I have made, but I can't help but feel that way. She has pushed me alot further than the average person ever could. She has done things no one else would get away with. This is how I know family have that extra bit of unconditional love. However it proves that can even be pushed to the limits.

Thanks for that example, I think I have to disagree with you though. Actions and emotions are separate, but if you make an action against your emotions, that means there is a condition on your love. As you are taking it away from that person. You may go on loving them, but you are not with them, you have let them go. That means love is conditional, as you are giving yourself the chance to stop loving them. Your love may go on, and you may love the person they were before they did these awful things, but you have walked away. That's it.

Thanks for the comments guy, both got my insightful.
on Jul 31, 2004
I have to ask what is the difference between romantic love and unconditional love?


I don’t believe they are two different things. They’re both one of the same thing, I'm sure, but I suppose romantic love could be perceived as a different ‘’wavelength’ to unconditional love. The latter would be of the highest wavelength - the most blossomed state - whilst the former might be of a ‘lesser’ wavelength. Unconditional love could include the romantic stuff, but I don’t think it can always be the other way round. Romance is like a different flavour, (which can be very tasty indeed), but it doesn't normally last forever.

I think love is our soul reason to be here. It is just such a beautiful thing that plays a vital role in our lives


I couldn’t agree with you more. I believe that love gives us meaning, purpose and security in our lives. The key to inner peace, and being able to love fully, in my opinion, lies in being able to first love ourself unconditionally. We can then love others as ourself. If we have to rely on another person to love us first, before we can begin to love ourself, then we surrender our emotional life to the hands of another person. And as we’ve seen in other posts, “the hands of another” might be flawed, faulty, or of a completely false persona. Our sense of self-worth doesn’t have to buffeted around by other people’s weaknesses and faults.

if you don't agree with what they do, and walk away, that means there was a condition on your love


I disagree. I think that that’s identifying love exclusively with ‘staying with someone’ in a romantic form. “Love”, in my opinion, is simply being aware of the intrinsic value of other human beings, and of life itself.

Maybe I'm just not mature enough for that yet. Or maybe I'm just too emotional!


And you know that that's not true! You’re beautiful and lovely and perfect Sally babe, just as you are. Don't try to change yourself for anyone, (not that I think you would!)

Andy

on Jul 31, 2004
Andy, I have to ask the question, why do you have no blog? I would love to read your opinions and thoughts on things, your responses are always so articulate, why oh why no blog for me to read! <---look you made me do a sad face, naughty! Hehe..

I like the idea that it is different wavelengths, love is the start of a journey, some people believe it to be the destination, but it's just the start of a journey that takes you to different levels of love, I couldn't agree with that more.

Romance is like a different flavour, (which can be very tasty indeed), but it doesn't normally last forever.


Ahhh don't be so cynical! If you work at it you can keep the romance alive! That's what it's all about, that bit of romance!

If we have to rely on another person to love us first, before we can begin to love ourself, then we surrender our emotional life to the hands of another person


Such wise words. Loving ourselves is the key. I am more aware of my faults than I should be, but I love my faults as much as my good points. Because they make me who I am. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I never will be, but where's the fun in perfect??

“Love”, in my opinion, is simply being aware of the intrinsic value of other human beings, and of life itself.


I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one. Love as an emotion maybe unconditional, but the actions you place on that are conditional, and that will eventually effect your love for that person. You enter a relationship with someone, and they do something wrong and you walk away. You may still love them, but you stop giving them your love, That is a condition.

You’re beautiful and lovely and perfect Sally babe, just as you are.


*blushes* Thankyou Andy! I think I have room to grow though, but don't we all!

Thanks for the comment as always
on Aug 01, 2004
Thanks for those kind words Sally. It's very much appreciated.

I don't know why I haven't done a blog. I wouldn't know what to put. What is doing a blog, by the way? I assume it's setting up a profile? (Sorry to be thick).

love is the start of a journey, some people believe it to be the destination


I couldn't agree with you more. Love is synonymous with life, in my book. It's all a journey, and a fine one at that. But even if it doesn't seem fine in the midst of it, I believe that everything will be okay in the end. After all, that's the nature of love.

We just need to trust it more.
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